Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Bachelor, Ben Flajnik - Episode 4

In Park City, Utah...

BEN FLAJNIK - Hey, look! A deep, dark hole. Let's jump into it.

JENNIFER FRITSCH - Whatever happened to dinner and a movie?

BEN FLAJNIK - This is ABC, home of "Wipe Out", ok? Besides, you're now with the rugged outdoorsman Ben Flajnik.

JENNIFER FRITSCH - I wouldn't have pegged you for the Marlboro Man type.

BEN FLAJNIK - Well, believe it, sister. **runs fingers through his hair** Shit! I forgot my pomade! I NEED SOMEBODY TO GO GET MY CREW POMADE FROM MY TRAILER!

JENNIFER FRITSCH - It looks fine. 

BEN FLAJNIK - Promise?


BEN FLAJNIK - Phew. Geronimo! **pushes her in the crater, jumps down after her**

JENNIFER FRITSCH - AHHHHHHHHHHHH! **they land in a pile of dead, discarded Bachelor contestants**

BEN FLAJNIK - Whoa. Dave Good's corpse might be the worst possible scenario for what we'd find down here.

JENNIFER FRITSCH - Ew. Tenley smells even worse than when she was alive.

BEN FLAJNIK - I was kinda hoping for cool, crystal clear water. Oh well. **starts climbing out**

JENNIFER FRITSCH -  Wh-where are you going?

BEN FLAJNIK - Clay Walker concert. I could only get one ticket. Someone from production will help you out in a few hours.


KRISILY - Shhh. Some of us are trying to sleep down here.

On Rachel's One on One Date...  

RACHEL TRUEHART - My past boyfriends have said I'm bad at communicating.

BEN FLAJNIK - Oh yeah?


**Silence for ten minutes**

BEN FLAJNIK - I don't know what would make them say something like that.

RACHEL TRUEHART  - Me neither.

**Silence for another ten minutes**

BEN FLAJNIK -  I like your bangs.

RACHEL TRUEHART - Thanks, man.

On the group date...

NICKI STERLING -  My boss from Auntie Anne's Pretzels is dead. He made the best garlic parmesan. **Breaks down in sobs**

BEN FLAJNIK - The loss of a boss is hard. Hey, that rhymes! Haha, go on witcho bad self, Flajnik.

NICKI STERLING - **cries harder**

BEN FLAJNIK  - Oh god, how insensitive of me. I'm sorry. Let me suck on your tongue. It will help you heal. **he sucks on her tongue**

SAMANTHA LEVEY - **interrupts, wasted out of her mind** Ben what the fuck why haven't you picked me for a one-on-one I'm tired of doing things outdoors it makes my hair frizzy and this is bullshit!!!!

BEN FLAJNIK - Excuse me. I'm helping Nicki get through a very difficult time.

SAMANTHA LEVEY - Her boss from Auntie Anne's? Who even cares!? She only worked there for two weeks!

NICKI STERLING - You can get very close to someone in two weeks. **rubs Ben's package**

BEN FLAJNIK - Tee hee. Samantha, I can't have a cock-block on this program. It goes against everything the show stands for.

SAMANTHA LEVEY - This isn't cock-blocking... **also rubs his package**

BEN FLAJNIK - Nope. Nothing. Like a piece of taffy.

SAMANTHA LEVEY - Sadly, that's not the first time I've been told that...

BEN FLAJNIK - Please leave.

SAMANTHA LEVEY - Fine, but just so you know, that Crew pomade does NOTHING for you.  

At the cocktail reception... 

EMILY O'BRIEN - Courtney is very mean.

BEN FLAJNIK - That is a terrible, ghastly thing to say about someone. 

EMILY O'BRIEN - Know why Elyse has a buzz cut now? Courtney shaved it while she was sleeping!

BEN FLAJNIK - Well, you gotta admit, it's an improvement...

EMILY O'BRIEN - And she gutted the trout she caught and put its entrails in my eggs!

BEN FLAJNIK - Hey, that's a delicacy in some places...

EMILY O'BRIEN - And Courtney prank-called Nicki and told her her boss from Auntie Anne's pretzels died!

BEN FLAJNIK -  That prank call actually led to a great heavy-petting session...

EMILY O'BRIEN -  So you're just going to defend everything she does, just because she's hot?


EMILY O'BRIEN - Ok. Hey, do you like "The Wire"?

BEN FLAJNIK - Sorry. We're out of time.



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