Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Dance Moms, Episode 3 - "Brooke's Turning Point"

Holly Madison lends Maddie her costume from Peepshow!

At the Intergalactic Planetary Star Burst Competition in Camden, New Jersey...

ANNOUNCER - Next up is Maddie from Abby Lee Dance Studios, dancing to "Buttons" by the Pussycat Dolls.

MADDIE - Thank you, kind sir. I'd also like to thank Holly Madison for lending me her costume from Peepshow, and my choreographer Gianna for teaching me how Brazilian whores dance.

GIANNA - It's true. I spent a week in Sao Paulo living among them and studying how they move.

**Maddie dances to "Buttons", makes audience extremely uncomfortable**

ANNOUNCER -  Ok, staying to watch that performance had to have been illegal. I should just turn myself in.

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - If you think that was bad, wait until the girls wear nude bodysuits and mimic being born.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Hey, man. That's a beautiful thing.

**the girls roll a hospital bed with stirrups onto the stage, and an actual OB/GYN joins them**

ANNOUNCER - Nope! Not happening. Thank you, ladies. Please exit stage left.


CATHY - Well, Candy Apples Dance Studio has an age-appropriate routine to perform.

ABBY LEE MILLER - So... age-appropriate for 20 year olds?

CATHY  - Yes, actually.

**The girls and Justice roll a keg of Natural Light on stage, dance around it while Vivi-Anne stands like a deer in headlights.**

CATHY - That's my girl!

ANNOUNCER - Alrighty, I've seen enough. Let's jump ahead to the awards.

ABBY LEE MILLER - But Chloe and Mackenzie didn't get to perform yet!

ANNOUNCER - I don't care. They win by default, after seeing all these nasty-ass themes.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Ok, but Chloe's number was an interpretation of Janet Jackson's Superbowl wardrobe malfunction.

ANNOUNCER - You know what? Nevermind. Everybody go home.


ANNOUNCER - Too much shame has already been brought upon our fair state. I'm not going to embarrass us any further.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Guess we're going back to Pittsburgh. Rev it up, Bus Driver Jim.

BUS DRIVER JIM - But I was really excited to see that Janet Jackson number.


At Newlonsburg High School cheerleading try-outs...

COACH -  Ok, next I'd like to hear you girls call your own cheers. Number 24?

BROOKE - Here goes nothin'.
C'mon Newlonsburg!
Do good or end up at community college like your mother!
COACH  - That's... interesting...

KELLY, BROOKE'S MOM - Studying under Abby Lee has really done a number on her, I'm afraid.

Throw that ball farther than everyone else so you don't wind up at the bottom of the pyramid and disappoint your parents who haven't been on vacation for eight years in order to pay your tuition!
COACH - Thank you, honey. Take a seat and we'll let you know.

Newslonsburg, Newlonsburg,
Rah rah rah!
Score a touchdown or else your coach will lock you in a supply closet for six hours, leading to TOTAL SENSORY DEPRIVATION! You'll fear you're losing your mind, but it's FOR YOUR OWN GOOD AND YOU NEED TO LEARN A LESSON! 
COACH  - Um, instead of cheerleading, may I recommend psychiatric help?

KELLY, BROOKE'S MOM - Yeah, probably a good idea.

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