Thursday, January 26, 2012

The Challenge, Battle of the Exes Episode 1 - "Love is a Battlefield"

Dunbar is fit, fresh, and ready to have honey smeared all over his parts.





 At The Dome...

TJ LAVIN - Welcome to the 85th season of the Challenge. Let's introduce you to your partners. Oh wait - not necessary because you have all had Peen in Poon intercourse before.

ANEESA  - Ahem. Excuse me?

TJ LAVIN - Except for you and Rachel. Whatever the fuck you two do with each other.

RACHEL - Well, fyi, first you take a dental dam, which you gently lay over -

TJ LAVIN - Yeah, ok. I've heard enough.

NATE - I haven't.

TJ LAVIN - Moving on. Mark, you're with Robin. Doubt you two will hook up because they don't prescribe Cialis in the Dominican Republic.

MARK LONG - Damn it.

TJ LAVIN - Dustin, your partner is the whole fake football team you fellated on Frat Pad.

DUSTIN ZITO - Sweet!

TJ LAVIN - Kidding. It's Heather.

DUSTIN ZITO - Oh.

TJ LAVIN - Ty, remember when you almost physically abused Emily?

TY - Of course.

TJ LAVIN  - Well, you get a second chance!

TY - YES!

TJ LAVIN - There are some other couples here with potential of domestic violence. CT and Diem, Jasmine and Tyrie, Abram and Cara Maria...

ABRAM - Hey, man - that's part of our role-playing. Don't hate.

TJ LAVIN  - My apologies. The rest of you, go stand next to the person you were once attracted to but is fat now.

**Paula goes to Dunbar, Sarah goes to Vinny, Priscilla goes to Nate** 

TJ LAVIN - You'd think you'd have an advantage in this challenge, because you have more body mass with which to scrape honey off of. But you're actually at a disadvantage! 

PAULA - Because it's difficult to touch our partners without vomiting?   

TJ LAVIN - Exactly! You're a quick one, Paula.










After the Scraping Honey Off Body Parts to Squeeze Into A Jar Challenge...

TJ LAVIN - Nate and Priscilla, you lost the Scraping Honey Off Body Parts to Squeeze Into A Jar Challenge. 

JOHNNY BANANAS - Not only that, you are automatically inferior for being rookies. 

NATE - So we're inferior because we've only postponed having real lives for three days, rather than 10 years? 

JOHNNY BANANAS - Um... **tries to think of a comeback** Shuddup!  

TJ LAVIN - Johnny and Camilla, who are you sending into the dome to go up against them? 

CAMILLA - Fire Crotch and Mystic Tan. 

MANDI - Hey! This freakish shade of orange is my natural coloring. 

WES - **looks down his pants** Same here. 

TJ LAVIN - Ok, the four of you are going to jump over former Real World cast members as they're strapped to a giant octopus and hurled at you 37 miles per hour. 

CORAL - I'm comin' for you, Fire Crotch. 

TJ LAVIN - Ready, set, JUMP OVER FORMER REAL WORLD CAST MEMBERS AS THEY'RE STRAPPED TO A GIANT OCTOPUS AND HURLED AT YOU 37 MILES PER HOUR! 

PRISCILLA - AHHH! It's Aiiiya from Real World Cancun! 

AIIIYA - AHHH! It's that girl who made out with her mom once! **Priscilla jumps over her** 

WES - **to Nehemiah being hurled at him** Hey, man. Missed you. 

NEHEMIAH - Good to see you, too. 

NATE - Knight from Real World New Orleans! My idol! **jumps over** 

MANDI - That's your idol? Sad. Tricia from Real World Sydney! My idol! **jumps over** 

PRISCILLA - Oh shit oh shit oh shit, here comes Willie from Real World Philadelphia! 

NATE - Who? 

PRISCILLA - He starred in the children's show "Ghostwriter." He played the - **gets knocked down by Willie from Real World Philadelphia** 

NATE - Oh no! My makeout partner! **gets knocked down by Svetlana from Real World Key West** Fuck! 

TJ LAVIN - Peace out, Nate and Priscilla. 

JOHNNY BANANAS - Have fun getting real jobs, losers. **puts his hand up for hi-five, nobody takes him up on it** 

TJ LAVIN - Next week, you'll be doing sex with your partner in a room full of your friends and family. So rest up. 

JASMINE - **shatters picture frame on ground** BLAAAAAAH! 

TJ LAVIN - Or don't rest up. Whatevs.


THE END.

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