Friday, January 27, 2012

Jersey Shore, Episode 4 - "Free Vinny"

Reunited, and it feels so good. But not in a gay way, bro.
The gang does some serious soul searching in the absence of Vinny, and discovers that they’re still tools…
DANNY-  I know most of you can’t read beyond a third grade level, but your contracts clearly state that there must be 8 of you in this house, and working in my shop, at all times.
SNOOKI - I thought my contract only stated that I had to maintain a certain level of orange.
PAULY D- I was under the impression that I was only contractually obligated to make up one new catchphrase per week.
SAMMI- I was told that I don’t count as a person because I’m devoid of anything that makes someone a human being.
RONNIE- You’re only devoid of thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  Luckily, you are still anatomically correct.
PAULY D- You just got Ronnie’d!
J-WOWW- Your “catchphrases” get weaker with each passing episode.
MIKE- My contract only says I can’t produce a copy of my long form birth certificate because then everyone will know that I’m really 45.
The gang heads to Karma for a surprise birthday party for the Situation and Pauly D…
EVERYONE- Surprise!
MIKE- I’m so relieved that I can stop moping around the house.  You all remembered my 45th birthday!
DEENA- What?  Ewww.  I’ll never do sex with you now.  Unless you ask nicely.
SNOOKI- We got you these beautiful cakes. Pauly’s is the boob one and yours is the ass one.
MIKE- Is this because I’m a Cancer and we’re sensitive and sometimes I act like an ass?
SNOOKI- No, it’s because I think you’re a repressed homosexual.  I learned those big words at veterinary school.  We think one of the horses might be gay.
MIKE- Was it gay when I let you blow me in LA? 
SNOOKI- Don’t tell Jionni.  I want him to find out on national TV like everyone else.
Everyone travels to Staten Island to find Vinny and bring him back to the Shore….
J-WOWW- Vinny, you’re alive!  And you’re living in a tenement!
VINNY- Yes, we like to spend our money on sick chest tattoos before furniture or proper window coverings.
J-WOWW- We need you back.  Our ratings are sagging…sagging like my tits will be in the year 2037.
VINNY- You really know what to say to win a guy back.

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