 |
| This is not a real diamond. |
At the hotel...
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - **reads aloud from Date Card** "Dear whores. Diamonds are a girl's best friend."
KACIE BOGUSKIE - Eeeeee! Jewelry!
RACHEL TRUEHART - I thought I'd at least have to fake an orgasm to get this kind of swag!
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - There's more. "Please get on this short yellow school bus, which will bring back memories for most of you, especially Casey S."
CASEY SHTEAMER - Yep. Sure does.
**They board bus, end up not at Tiffany's, but at a shitty minor league baseball stadium in El Yunque**
EMILY O'BRIEN - WHAT THE MOTHERFUCK?!?! **throws a shoe**
JENNIFER FRITSCH - THIS IS NOT A REAL DIAMOND. IT IS A BASEBALL DIAMOND. **tries to light stadium on fire**
BLAKELEY O'SHEA - FUCK PUNS! FUCK 'EM IN THEIR HUGE ASSHOLES! **hurls body at stadium as a form of self-sacrifice**
CASEY SHTEAMER - I'M GLAD THAT PLANE ROBERTO CLEMENTE WAS FLYING TO HAITI CRASHED!
KACIE BOGUSKIE - Whoa. Too soon, girlfriend.
CASEY SHTEAMER - Sorry. Just trying to join the chorus.
BEN FLAJNIK - Hey, ladies! How's it going?
**silence, angry glares**
BEN FLAJNIK - Damn. I knew that diamond pun was a mistake. Well, anyway, let's play softball.
JENNIFER FRITSCH - What do we get if we win?
BEN FLAJNIK - Ha. That's not going to happen.
BLAKELEY O'SHEA - And if we lose?
BEN FLAJNIK - You've got to pull up to the local elementary school in the short bus. And those kids are brutal.
**They play, Red wins, Blue loses. Red rides the short bus, and are welcomed at the local elementary school by cruel taunts**
EMILY O'BRIEN - Chris Harrison is the worst person in the entire world.
Ben walks up to his room with egg foo young and a VHS tape of "Pootie Tang"...
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Hey, stranger.
BEN FLAJNIK - Oh! Hey. You frightened me. I was just going to settle in for a nice evening alone.
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Alone? You can't watch "Pootie Tang" alone. That's, like, sacrilege.
BEN FLAJNIK - I guess that's true. But I only have enough egg foo young for one person.
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - I don't eat that nasty shit, anyway. Er, I meant, enjoy it, Ben. I'll just watch. And maybe touch myself.
BEN FLAJNIK - **gulp**
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Let me stay with you tonight. I can even give you a "pootie preview" in the ocean.
BEN FLAJNIK - I don't know that means...
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Oh, you will. You will.
At cocktail reception the next day...
BLAKELEY O'SHEA - So, I want you to know that after 34 years, I finally know who I am. Because of The Bachelor.
BEN FLAJNIK - That's nice. Boobies, boobies, boobies.
BLAKELEY O'SHEA - Huh?
BEN FLAJNIK - Oh, uh, nothing. My mind is somewhere else.
KACIE BOGUSKIE - So, what were your past relationships like?
BEN FLAJNIK - Oh, you know. Models, Brazilian waxes, swimming nude in the ocean.
KACIE BOGUSKIE - What?
BEN FLAJNIK - Shit. Sorry. I meant, good. My past relationships were good.
EMILY O'BRIEN - So, I'm sorry I only talked about Courtney last week. But, more about Courtney. I saw her squatting over Kacie B's pillow last night. I think she was pooping on it!
BEN FLAJNIK - "Pootie Tang" is the best movie ever, right?
EMILY O'BRIEN - What are you talking about? I just told you Courtney shit on someone's pillow!
BEN FLAJNIK - You know what? I need to go be alone for awhile. My mind keeps drifting.
EMILY O'BRIEN - It's ok. We can talk about something else. So, then, Courtney tried to -
BEN FLAJNIK - Naked model titties naked model titties naked model titties. SHIT! **runs away**
On the one-on-one with Elyse...
ELYSE MYERS - I mean, I've accomplished all I want to accomplish in life. I hit the gym whenever I want, I can afford to tan four times a week, and I found a dry cleaner I really love.
BEN FLAJNIK - So... gym, tan, and laundry?
ELYSE MYERS - Yes! Exactly. Wow, Ben Flajnik. You really get me.
BEN FLAJNIK - I'm sorry, but this isn't going to work.
ELYSE MYERS - But why not? I'm ready to get married to somebody. Anybody!
BEN FLAJNIK - Elyse, I'm a faux hipster. And we just don't mesh with... your kind.
ELYSE MYERS - My kind? What the fuck does that even mean?!?! **booming house music starts to pound in the background, Elyse takes a shot of tequila and gets caught in her hair extensions**
BEN FLAJNIK - I don't think I need to say any more.
ELYSE MYERS - Fine, but me and the captain on this dinghy are gonna FUCK! Jealous?
BEN FLAJNIK - No.
ELYSE MYERS - Damn it. **rides off on dinghy**
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