Tuesday, January 3, 2012

"The Bachelor", Ben Flajnik - Episode 1

Bitches be blindfoldin'.
Brittney and some old-ass lady step out of the limo to meet Ben...

BRITTNEY - Ben, last season, you had a mom and a sister, which means you love family. So I brought my disabled grandma here, to show you I also love family. You two have fun now! Grandma, behave! **winks, leaves to get some champagne** 

GRANDMA BRITTNEY - Sup, you muthafuckin' fine-ass piece of ass.

BEN FLAJNIK  - Where'd you learn to talk like that?

GRANDMA BRITTNEY  - 106 and Park. How'd you like to pound some Shiraz and then fuck in front of Chris Harrison?

BEN FLAJNIK -  I... Wouldn't?

GRANDMA BRITTNEY  - Haha, don't be playin', white boy.

BEN FLAJNIK - Uh... Everybody here is white.

GRANDMA BRITTNEY  -  I noticed, racist. But it's cool though. I'll even suck a racist's ween. **pops out dentures**

BEN FLAJNIK - **starts to panic** Chris! Help!

BRITTNEY - **runs over** What's wrong? Is my grandma ok?

BEN FLAJNIK - This bitch is crazy!

BRITTNEY - Excuse me?! She's a seventy-eight year-old woman who sprained her ankle at the senior center!

GRANDMA BRITTNEY - **whispers to Ben** Wrong. I broke it while fuckin' in the tub.

BEN FLAJNIK  -  Ahhhh! Make it stop!

BRITTNEY - What the hell is wrong with you?

BEN FLAJNIK - Your grandma is freaky!

GRANDMA BRITTNEY - I guess I'll be on my way. Today's young men just don't appreciate the old-fashioned values of a native Coloradoan. Good luck to you, Ben.

BRITTNEY - See what you did, you asshole? You upset my grandma, and now she's leaving. 

GRANDMA BRITTNEY - **whispers to Ben** A toothless BJ is the best kind. Just remember that. **slips him her number, leaves** 

Shawn steps out of the limo to meet Chris Harrison...

SHAWN - Hi Chris. I'm Shawn. I'm a financial analyst from Scottsdale, Arizona, and I've got a five-year-old son named Terry.


SHAWN - Uh... I love long walks on the rocks that make up my lawn...


SHAWN  - And visiting the Cheesecake Factory for their fabulous Bang Bang Chicken and Shrimp.


SHAWN -  Ok, what's your problem, dude? All I am to you is a mom you'd like to fuck?


SHAWN - To hell with you, then. Ben Flajnik is a true gentlemen, who will appreciate all the facets of me, instead of just the once and future contents of my baby-maker.

CHRIS HARRISON -  Whatever you say, MILF.

SHAWN - Ah, there he is now. True class. **greets Ben** Hello.


SHAWN  -  I'm a financial analyst from Scottsdale, Arizona, and I've got a five-year-old son named Terry.

BEN FLAJNIK - MILF, huh? Right on!

SHAWN - Fuck you all.

Emily and Ben chat... 

EMILY -  I wrote a rap for you. 

BEN FLAJNIK - Eh, I'm not really into "urban" music. You'll notice that there are only white women here. That was on purpose. 

EMILY - But it took me three weeks. 

BEN FLAJNIK - Fine, fine. I'll just pretend it's a poem. 

EMILY - Here goes nothin'. Ahem.

I research diseases, which wouldn't help Pac because he was shot.
Like Easy E, I am interested in finding a cure for AIDS.
Big Poppa got diabetes? Well, I can help with that! 

So, what do you think?

BEN FLAJNIK - Well, despite the fact that you have no rhythm...

EMILY - Ok...

BEN FLAJNIK - And that none of your verses even rhymed...

EMILY - Uh huh...

BEN FLAJNIK - And that I hate rap, I am somewhat impressed with your knowledge of dead MCs and your ability to link their various ailments to your profession.

EMILY - Sweet!

BEN FLAJNIK - Here's a rose, because despite your musical taste, I really don't want to keep that Canadian chick around.

EMILY - Awwwwwww yeeeeeeah.

Lindzi C. arrives on a gallant steed... 

LINDZI C. - Ben, this is Lester. I rode Lester all the way here to practice riding you.


LINDZI C. - I love horses, and the way they make your ladyparts feel without having to even do anything.

BEN FLAJNIK - Damn, Gina. 

LINDZI C. - I also really look up to Catherine The Great and her relationship with her horse. Make of that what you will.

BEN FLAJNIK - Ok, now you took it too far. But it's fine. Here's a first impression rose, because my first impression is that you like to fuck.

LINDZI C. - You know it. **pats Lester** Way to go, Lester. Your work here is done. Find your way back to Seattle now. Go on, git!

On a couch...

JENNA - Why do you hate me? Want to share a tampon?

MONICA - You're unstable. And yes.

JENNA - W-wait... wha? 

MONICA - Yes, I would like to share a tampon with you. 

JENNA - But that's so... lesbian! 

MONICA - Precisely. Now whip it out. 

JENNA - **starts to weep** I'm just so CONFUSED! 

MONICA - I don't have time for this. If you decide to get your act together, I'll be nuzzling Blakely's shoulder publicly. **leaves** 

JENNA - Why me, God? WHY ME???? Stop staring at me, camera!  

BEN FLAJNIK - Uh... couldn't help but hear you sobbing from three rooms away. Everything ok? 

JENNA - Yeah. I'm just really drunk and can't quite parse together what's happening around me. 

BEN FLAJNIK - That's ok. Chicks like you are usually down with anal.

JENNA - Does that mean I can stay? **hiccups** 



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