Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Teen Mom 2, Episode 2 - "Curveball"

We are family. I got my kid, dick ex, and me.

At a restaurant...

KAILYN - Listen to this note I got from my mom's boyfriend.

Dear not-really-my-stepdaughter,
You forgot to put the throw pillow between the two sleeping pillows. You are a stupid trash whore who needs to learn how to make a bed properly. You suck.
Burt, your mom's boyfriend and "Ass Master." 

JORDAN - Ew. So what are you going to do?

KAILYN  -  I just know I can't keep living like this. Last night, I heard a whip cracking and then Marilyn Mansons Antichrist Superstar album played in its entirety.

JORDAN - Hmmm. Maybe you could utilize a woman's service that will pay your rent in a modest apartment until you're back on your feet.

KAILYN - How do you even know about that?

JORDAN  - Common knowledge.

KAILYN - Whatever it takes so that I never see a gag ball sitting in the kitchen sink again. 

JORDAN - So... I take it you're not into that kind of stuff? 

KAILYN - Not gonna happen, Jordan. 

JORDAN - Damn it.

 At the doctor's office...

DOCTOR - Ali  has a small optic nerve.

LEAH - I want answers!

DOCTOR - I just gave you an answer.

LEAH - I want answers I understand! .

DOCTOR - Well, "optic" relates to the eye, and a nerve is something that provides feeling.

LEAH  - Stop talkin' "doctor talk" and give it to me straight, damn it!

DOCTOR  -  Ok, trying again. Her optic nerve is small.

LEAH - Now you're talking down to me!

DOCTOR - I'm just trying to explain -

LEAH  - I work in a dentist office, you can't pull the wool over my eyes!

DOCTOR  - Alright, how about this. We'll take an MRI of her brain to really see what's going on.

LEAH - But I want ANSWERS.

DOCTOR - Right. That's why we're taking an MRI.

LEAH - Stop beating around the bush!

DOCTOR  - Leah, I feel I've been very straightforward -

LEAH - We're leaving. If you can't give me answers, I'll find someone else who can.

DOCTOR - The only other doctor within 100 miles works out of a clapboard shack and still uses bourbon as anesthesia.

LEAH  - At least he'll give me answers. Good day. **leaves**

DOCTOR - Doing my residency in West Virginia was officially the worst mistake of my life.

On the couch...

ADAM - Look at us. A family.

CHELSEA - Ooh Adam. Say it again.

ADAM - We are a family.

CHELSEA -  God yeah. It gets me so excited when you acknowledge your paternity.

ADAM - **reaches over to rub her ACL**  Who's the daddy, huh?

CHELSEA - You are!

ADAM - Aw yeah. That's right. One big happy family. Except for your dick dad, always fuckin' up my shit.

CHELSEA  -  Adam, this is the happiest I've ever been, I -

ADAM -  Whoa, a text from Marly. She's at Pizza Hut wearing a tube top.


ADAM  - And wants to split a personal pan.

CHELSEA - Split a personal pan?

ADAM - Yep. And then make out in front of the high school. Gotta go. **bolts**


In the car/house...

JENELLE -  I gotta go to the library to get my math on. Do you want to wait for me there?

KIEFFER - The LIBRARY?! Are you fucking CRAZY?

JENELLE - It'll only be thirty minutes or so. I really want to get my GED.

KIEFFER -  I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do at the library for thirty minutes? Stare at the wall?

JENELLE - They have, you know, books to read. You can even use their computers to "surf the 'net."

KIEFFER - I don't surf no damn net. I've never so much as touched a computer, and I expect it to stay that way.

JENELLE - Well, you could roll a blunt in the parking lot.

KIEFFER - Getting warmer...

JENELLE - Or scare librarians walking to their cars.

KIEFFER - That sounds ok. But what I really want to do is go to the sweepstakes and gamble away our meager savings.


KIEFFER - And then drink Crown Royal straight from the bottle and then play glo in the dark mini golf at Planet Fun.

JENELLE  - Keifer, I'm trying to get our lives back on track.

KIEFFER - Bitch, quit hasslin' me.

JENELLE  - I'm not trying to hassle you, I just think we should be more responsible. I've got a son to not think about.

KIEFFER - We always have to do what Jenelle wants to do. "Jenelle wants to graduate high school. Jenelle wants to find a job. Jenelle wants to stop living in a car." So annoying!

JENELLE - I'm getting out of this car.  

KIEFFER - Oh no, you're not. **pushes her back into the car** You're going to live here FOREVER! **goes inside Planet Fun while Jenelle sobs** 

BARBARA - **appears in Jenelle's head** Told you so. That Keefah is no good. 

JENELLE - Shut up, mom.


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