Monday, December 12, 2011

Kourtney and Kim Take New York Episode 3 - "Babies on the Brain"

Happier times.

At the Gansevoort Hotel NYC...

KIM KARDASHIAN - Well, it's been a week since our wedding. I think it's time.

KRIS HUMPHRIES - Really? YES! As a Minnesota native - you know, the Land of 1,000 Lakes - I'm a huge fan of water sports. Let me just lie down here in the bath tub, and you can crouch over me...

KIM KARDASHIAN  - No, idiot. I'm done with my birth control. It's a sign.

KRIS HUMPHRIES - Sign that you need to refill your prescription?

KIM KARDASHIAN -  A sign that it's time to start... trying.

KRIS HUMPHRIES - Trying to refill your prescription? Just call CVS. They have a 24-hour hotline -

KIM KARDASHIAN  - Trying to get pregnant! Jesus Christ, you're making me rethink wanting to combine your retardo genes with my own.

KRIS HUMPHRIES  - Whoa. I'm going to need a second for that to sink in. **takes a second** Alright! I'm ready to be a dad!

KIM KARDASHIAN - That was fast.

KRIS HUMPHRIES - When you're a stupid person, decisions come easily. This is so exciting!

KIM KARDASHIAN - I know! When it's born, we're going to take it to Disneyland, to the Getty, to Pink's for the Martha Stewart...

KRIS HUMPHRIES - To the Mall of America, to the Spam Museum, to Prince's house...

KIM KARDASHIAN - Wait, those places aren't in Los Angeles.

KRIS HUMPHRIES - No. They're in Minnesota. Where I've single-handedly decided we're going to raise children.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Yeah, not gonna happen. People are named Swen and Bjorn there. And they think gelatinous whitefish tastes good.

KRIS HUMPHRIES - Yep. It's great. This kid is gonna know how to make the best Hot Dish, and how to egg Jessica Lange's house on the regular.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Let's get something straight. I'm never moving to Minnesota. Never ever ever.

KRIS HUMPHRIES - But I am the husband, and that's what I want. So that's what we'll do.

KIM KARDASHIAN - I eat lutefisk for no man.

KRIS HUMPHRIES - You could really learn something from Khloe. She's down for her man, and will even bathe in a tub of candy for Lamar. She's a great role model for you!

KIM KARDASHIAN - She's fat, and talks like the little girl from Mrs Doubtfire. Not a role model.

KRIS HUMPHRIES - **traps Kim in Mason's cardboard house** Take time to think about what's really important. Life is about family, and treating them right.

KIM KARDASHIAN - And trapping them in cardboard houses. 

KRIS HUMPHRIES  - If that's what it takes, girl. If that's what it takes.  **leaves to go to "practice"...**

On the Fourth Hour of the Today Show...

KRIS JENNER -   Fuck Kathy Lee. KJ is here to stay!

HODA KOTB - She's actually coming back Thursday. Hysterectomy.

KRIS JENNER - Oh. Well, fuck her anyway. More Cab, please! **they complete the fourth hour of the show drunkenly**

SCOTT DISICK - Wow, Kris. I like how you handled yourself out there.

KRIS JENNER - That's nothing. You shoulda heard the shit I talked on Regis when he was getting his appendix removed.

SCOTT DISICK - I'm really impressed. This whole time I thought you were just a nag with a black mushroom on her head.

KRIS JENNER - "I am large. I contain multitudes."  - Walt Whitman.

SCOTT DISICK - Dayum. Chugs wine and quotes poetry?

KRIS JENNER - Nah, it was inscribed on the back of Matt Lauer's money clip. **takes clip out of her pocket to show Scott**  

SCOTT DISICK -  I think I'm in love.

KRIS JENNER  - In love? But I'm your girlfriend's mom.

SCOTT DISICK - Have you heard about the kind of porn I watch? That doesn't even register on my kink radar.

KRIS JENNER - Well, if we're going to do something about it, better make it soon. Kourtney and Mason will be back from the Lion King at nine. **they make out**

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN - **enters with Mason** What are you two doing?

SCOTT DISICK  - Sex. We didn't think you'd be home until 9.

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN - The guy who plays Mufasa pulled a hammy. 

KRIS JENNER  - Bummer.

KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN - Yep. Oh, Scott, make sure you throw the sheets in the washing machine.


KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN - And mom, don't go too hard. Your heart.

KRIS JENNER  - Sure, hun.

**Kourtney returns to fussing over Mason while her mother and boyfriend have sex. It is a good day.**

The End.

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