Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Real World San Diego Episode 7 - "It's My Party And I'll Bang If I Want To"

In the Phone Room...

ZACH'S DAD - Your Uncle Brian saw one of them camcorder video tapes of you at a club.

ZACH - A tape? You mean, like, YouTube?

ZACH'S DAD - Huh? I dunno, I'm from Michigan. You were grabbin' a young lady.

ZACH - Awesome, right?

ZACH'S DAD - No. Not awesome. Every woman is somebody's daughter, sister, or live-in housekeeper, like on the Brady Bunch.

ZACH - So, you're saying never to touch a female, ever.

ZACH'S DAD - That's what I'm sayin'.

ZACH - If I may ask, how do I exist?

ZACH'S DAD - Surrogate.

ZACH - Ah, ok. Thanks, Dad.

ZACH'S DAD -  Don't thank me. Thank your Uncle Brian for showin' me that VHS clip.

In the boudoir...

ASHLEY - Put on your leather thong and slap me with it!

ZACH  - I... Can't.

ASHLEY - What's wrong? Is it my 80s hair? Shit, it's my 80s hair, isn't it?

ZACH  -  No. Besides, it's far beyond me to mock somebody's hairstyle.

ASHLEY - That's true. That's very true.

ZACH - It's just that... You have relatives who I need to respect, relatives who are male.

ASHLEY - Actually, no I don't. I was raised in a remote community in the Berkshires modeled after the Chinese Mosuo Tribe. Completely matrilineal society.

ZACH - Whoa. You sounded smart there for a second.


ZACH - That's Better.  

ASHLEY - So you're never going to have sex, because women might have other men in their lives who care about them.

ZACH - Right. But you could put on my cowboy boots and foot-jerk me off while I think about Frank.

ASHLEY  - What?

ZACH - I mean, while I think about YOU.

ASHLEY - Ok, sounds good.

Priscilla peeks out the window to see Dylan arriving on his crotch rocket...

PRISCILLA - He's here! Omg, he's here. I'm so nervous.

ALEXANDRA - Wow, a motorcycle? He seems pretty bad-ass.

PRISCILLA  - You have no idea.

**Dylan takes off his helmet, strands of beautiful fire-red hair spill out. Priscilla tries to catch her breath**

DYLAN - Hehe. **bumps into wall** Did I do that? Hehe.

PRISCILLA -  So, what do you think? Isn't he amazing?

ALEXANDRA -  He's... Different than I expected.

PRISCILLA - One in a million.

DYLAN - Got any cheese? Hehe.

ALEXANDRA - So is this, like, an Urkel impression? It's good!

PRISCILLA - Shhh. This is how he really is. He's sensitive to Urkel comparisons.

DYLAN - Laura, I've missed you.  

PRISCILLA - My name's Priscilla. Remember? 

DYLAN - Sorry. I've been on so many hot Thai-food dates with beautiful women, it's hard to keep track. 

FRANK -  **comes down the stairs, spots Dylan** Hey, it's the White Urkel!

PRISCILLA - Shut up! Don't call him that!

FRANK - What? It's a joke.

DYLAN - **curls up in a ball on the floor, sobs**  

PRISCILLA - See, Frank? Look what you did! 

FRANK - **pulls Priscilla aside** Ok, I know you said you like nerds, but this dude is ridiculous. And are those Tevas?!?

PRISCILLA - You don't understand.

FRANK - Yes, I do. You're a gorgeous girl with low self-esteem, so you chase after fire crotches with a Tom Yum soup fetish. 

PRISCILLA - Seriously, Frank, you don't understand. 

FRANK - Then what could possibly compel you to date a guy in non-ironic Wranglers? 

PRISCILLA - He's got a big dick, you stupid idiot.

FRANK - Oh. Now it all makes sense. Get it, girl.

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