In the Phone Room...
ZACH'S DAD - Your Uncle Brian saw one of them camcorder video tapes of you at a club.
ZACH - A tape? You mean, like, YouTube?
ZACH'S DAD - Huh? I dunno, I'm from Michigan. You were grabbin' a young lady.
ZACH - Awesome, right?
ZACH'S DAD - No. Not awesome. Every woman is somebody's daughter, sister, or live-in housekeeper, like on the Brady Bunch.
ZACH - So, you're saying never to touch a female, ever.
ZACH'S DAD - That's what I'm sayin'.
ZACH - If I may ask, how do I exist?
ZACH'S DAD - Surrogate.
ZACH - Ah, ok. Thanks, Dad.
ZACH'S DAD - Don't thank me. Thank your Uncle Brian for showin' me that VHS clip.
In the boudoir...
ASHLEY - Put on your leather thong and slap me with it!
ZACH - I... Can't.
ASHLEY - What's wrong? Is it my 80s hair? Shit, it's my 80s hair, isn't it?
ZACH - No. Besides, it's far beyond me to mock somebody's hairstyle.
ASHLEY - That's true. That's very true.
ZACH - It's just that... You have relatives who I need to respect, relatives who are male.
ASHLEY - Actually, no I don't. I was raised in a remote community in the Berkshires modeled after the Chinese Mosuo Tribe. Completely matrilineal society.
ZACH - Whoa. You sounded smart there for a second.
ASHLEY - I did? Shit. SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!
ZACH - That's Better.
ASHLEY - So you're never going to have sex, because women might have other men in their lives who care about them.
ZACH - Right. But you could put on my cowboy boots and foot-jerk me off while I think about Frank.
ASHLEY - What?
ZACH - I mean, while I think about YOU.
ASHLEY - Ok, sounds good.
Priscilla peeks out the window to see Dylan arriving on his crotch rocket...
PRISCILLA - He's here! Omg, he's here. I'm so nervous.
ALEXANDRA - Wow, a motorcycle? He seems pretty bad-ass.
PRISCILLA - You have no idea.
**Dylan takes off his helmet, strands of beautiful fire-red hair spill out. Priscilla tries to catch her breath**
DYLAN - Hehe. **bumps into wall** Did I do that? Hehe.
PRISCILLA - So, what do you think? Isn't he amazing?
ALEXANDRA - He's... Different than I expected.
PRISCILLA - One in a million.
DYLAN - Got any cheese? Hehe.
ALEXANDRA - So is this, like, an Urkel impression? It's good!
PRISCILLA - Shhh. This is how he really is. He's sensitive to Urkel comparisons.
DYLAN - Laura, I've missed you.
PRISCILLA - My name's Priscilla. Remember?
DYLAN - Sorry. I've been on so many hot Thai-food dates with beautiful women, it's hard to keep track.
FRANK - **comes down the stairs, spots Dylan** Hey, it's the White Urkel!
PRISCILLA - Shut up! Don't call him that!
FRANK - What? It's a joke.
DYLAN - **curls up in a ball on the floor, sobs**
PRISCILLA - See, Frank? Look what you did!
FRANK - **pulls Priscilla aside** Ok, I know you said you like nerds, but this dude is ridiculous. And are those Tevas?!?
PRISCILLA - You don't understand.
FRANK - Yes, I do. You're a gorgeous girl with low self-esteem, so you chase after fire crotches with a Tom Yum soup fetish.
PRISCILLA - Seriously, Frank, you don't understand.
FRANK - Then what could possibly compel you to date a guy in non-ironic Wranglers?
PRISCILLA - He's got a big dick, you stupid idiot.
FRANK - Oh. Now it all makes sense. Get it, girl.
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