At Kim's Westlake Village estate...
KIM RICHARDS - C'mon, Big Sister. Come meet Ken.
KYLE RICHARDS - I don't wanna.
KIM RICHARDS - Aw, Kyle. He won't bite! Ok, yes, he will. But we'll get a rabies shot beforehand.
KYLE RICHARDS - Fine.
KIM RICHARDS - Kyle, meet Ken Blumenfeld, licensed plumber and convicted arsonist.
KEN BLUMENFELD - It was actually a toilet I set on fire. The little fucker wouldn't cooperate.
KYLE RICHARDS - Ok, I can't do this. Big Kathy would NOT approve.
KEN BLUMENFELD - Big Kathy's dead, mamacita. And, if I may say so, gooooood riddance.
KYLE RICHARDS - Wait, did you just say good riddance about our mother?
KEN BLUMENFELD - Paging Mr. Holland's son, looks like he's got a twin!
KYLE RICHARDS - That was officially the worst deaf joke I've ever heard. And - holy shit, is that a WEDDING BAND?
KEN BLUMENFELD - No. Kim gave it to me. Just because it's a wedding ring on my wedding finger doesn't mean it's a wedding band.
KYLE RICHARDS - I'm going to leave. Kim, I'll just say this - Tom Sizemore would be an improvement. And I'm talking about the pre-sober Tom Sizemore. **leaves**
KIM RICHARDS - Well, that went well, don't you think?
KEN BLUMENFELD - Yep. Now let's fuck in front of the place we first met. The mailbox.
KIM RICHARDS - Aw. That's so sweet.
At the Best Western by the airport...
KYLE RICHARDS - **answers her phone as Lisa calls** Hey, are you here?
LISA VANDERPUMP - Where's here?
KYLE RICHARDS - At the Best Western by the airport. For Taylor's big event.
LISA VANDERPUMP - No. I wasn't invited.
KYLE RICHARDS - Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. **hangs up, runs to the Taylor's table** Houston, we have a bit of an issue.
DANA WILKEY - It's "Houston, we have a problem."
KYLE RICHARDS - Who asked you, fat lady? Taylor, I accidentally spilled the beans to Lisa that you didn't invite her.
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - That's ok. Nothing's going to ruin my big day here at the Best Western by the airport.
EVENT EMCEE - And the winner for Best Businesswoman Who Still Proudly Wears Nude Pantyhose is... Taylor -
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - **stands up to collect the award** YES!
EVENT EMCEE - Legweak! Taylor Legweak is the winner!
TAYLOR LEGWEAK - WOOO! In your face, Armstrong! **runs up to collect award**
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - That bitch beat me again? My life is in a shambles. **sobs**
RUSSELL ARMSTRONG - It's ok, babe. You still have me.
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - **Sobs harder** Waaaaaaaaa!
At Lisa's Tea Party....
LISA VANDERPUMP - Spot of tea?
KYLE RICHARDS - Huh?
LISA VANDERPUMP - Tea. Do you want some tea.
KYLE RICHARDS - Oh. Yeah. **dips a pink pig in the tea**
CAMILLE GRAMMER - Great party, Lisa. Great.... pink pigs.
LISA VANDERPUMP - Why, thank you, darling.
**They sit in lady-like silence until Taylor walks in and Lisa hurls a pink pig at her hollowed temple**
LISA VANDERPUMP - THANKS FOR INVITING ME TO YOUR EVENT, BITCH.
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - I didn't invite you because it was at the Best Western by the airport! We all know it's not good enough for Lisa Vanderpump.
LISA VANDERPUMP - Well, that's true. But it's nice to be invited, so I can say I'm not coming and then make fun of it.
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - See? All you do is crack jokes at my expense! When I spent fifty grand on Kennedy's party, you joked that I couldn't afford it! And then when Russell broke my jaw, you joked that Russell broke my jaw!
ADRIENNE MALOOF - Hey, not to interrupt the party, but it sounds like Lisa has just been repeating true things.
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Oh, sure! Take her side! PS - Your gold hair ribbons look stupid.
KYLE RICHARDS - Taylor, your nerves are causing your facial features to sag downward! You've got to calm down!
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - I've got to calm down? I'm not the one who told me that Lisa told you that I don't have any friends!!!!
KYLE RICHARDS - I don't understand what that has to do with being calm, but ok.
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Well, fuck-wads, as much as I'd love to stay, Paul Nassif is waiting at the gate to give me a facial -
LISA VANDERPUMP - A WHAT?!
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Let me finish! See, there you go again. A facial consultation through the wrought iron, thankyouverymuch.
ADRIENNE MALOOF - Oh. Phew. Because it wouldn't be the first time Paul's given a facial through a gate.
**Taylor leaves, comes back**
TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - I bet you've all been talking about me.
KYLE RICHARDS - Welcome back, Detective John Shaft.
CAMILLE GRAMMER - Taylor, before you start up again, let me just deliver my line of the season. I've been practicing. Ahem.
"We don't say he hits you, or that he breaks your jaw, or that he beats you."
**Pauses, deep breath**
"But now we said it."
ADRIENNE MALOOF - Wow. That was amazing.
LISA VANDERPUMP - Now I see why Howard Stern cast you in Private Parts.
CAMILLE GRAMMER - Thank you. Thank you all.
To be continued...
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