Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I Used to Be Fat Episode 5 - "Sammy"

Say "cheese!" But don't fucking eat any, ever. photo

In a McMansion in Homer Glen, Illinois...

SAMMY - Maaaa! Come wipe me!

CARMELLA, SAMMY'S MOM -  I'm making dinner, Sammy! 

SAMMY - Well, what am I supposed to do? Just sit here and wait?  

CARMELLA - Ugh, fine. **goes upstairs to wipe son's ass**  

SAMMY  - Thanks, Mommy. 

CARMELLA  - You're welcome. You know, when you start college, you'll have to learn to wipe yourself. 

SAMMY - I can hold it until you visit. 

CARMELLA  - You can try. Or maybe you'll have a very patient roommate. 

TRAINER SARAN DUNMORE - **enters** Ok, I've seen moms up their kids' asses before, but this is too much. 

CARMELLA - What? You never seen a lady wipe her grown son's tushie?

SAMMY - I bet she never saw a mom hand-clean her son's underwear after he watched Monster's Ball, either. 

CARMELLA - Haha, so true. Sad world you come from, Saran. 

SARAN DUNMORE  - I don't want to go as far to say you two have a fucked up relationship, but... you two have a fucked up relationship. 

SAMMY - Oh yeah? Is this what you consider fucked up, Trainer Lady? **Carmella and Sammy embrace silently for three full minutes** 

SARAN DUNMORE - Um, Sammy? It's time to go to the gym. 

CARMELLA - **they do not break embrace** We're busy. 

SARAN DUNMORE - **starts to pull Sammy** Let's... GO! 

SAMMY - Nooo! Mommy! 

CARMELLA - It's ok, son. Call me if you need sweat wiped off your brow. 

**Sammy does Super Squats, smothers vodka sauce all over his naked body, loses some weight**

On the McMansion patio....

SAMMY -  Hey, Dad, throw some chicken on the barbie for me. 

SAMMY'S DAD - **takes long slow drag** What the fuck you say? Chicken? 

SAMMY  - Yeah. Saran says it's better for you than the hog anus lips they put in hot dogs. 

SAMMY'S DAD - **takes another drag, blows it out** Bullshit. 

SAMMY - Yep. And she says lettuce is a better vegetable for you than potatoes.   

SAMMY'S DAD - Ain't that somethin'. **stomps out cigarette** You know, son, you remind me of Cool Hand Luke. 

SAMMY - Oh yeah? How so? 

SAMMY'S DAD - All... Cool. With... Hands. People sometimes say you look like a Luke. 

SAMMY - Aw, thanks dad. 

SAMMY'S DAD - That's the biggest compliment you're ever gonna get from me. Now take your chicken and go make out with your mother so I don't have to.  

**Sammy goes to Marquette, loses weight**

Sammy returns to the Homer Glen McMansion...  

SAMMY - Honey, I'm home! 

CARMELLA - **squeals with excitement** He called me honey! Like I'm his wife! 

SARAN DUNMORE  - You did it! I have to say, I'm shocked. Completely, utterly shocked. 

SAMMY - Thanks! 

CARMELLA - Hey, Sammy, got a BM to pass? **shows him her hands, ready to wipe** 

SAMMY - You know it! Last one to the master toilet is a rotten egg! **bolts upstairs**


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