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| Janelle just died in Vanessa's arms tonight. For real. She's dead now. |
TRAINER VANESSA - Hey, fatty.
JANELLE - Excuse me?
TRAINER VANESSA - Sorry. Hola, gorda. Wasn't sure if you were Latina or, like, Pacific Islander or some shit.
JANELLE - So, uh... who are you?
TRAINER VANESSA - The person who's going to turn that stomach frown upside down.
JANELLE - I don't even know what that means.
TRAINER VANESSA - Oh, you will. You will. Let me start off by saying I'm happy to be here in Hacienda Heights, California, home of FERGIE FERG!
JANELLE - Who?
TRAINER VANESSA - You know... Fergie. "Fergalicious-def-def-def-def. Check it out!"
JANELLE - I thought she was from York.
TRAINER VANESSA - Not that Fergie. I'm talkin' 'bout the girl that ruined the Black Eyed Peas.
JANELLE - I only hang out with my family, and they're all over 50, so I wouldn't get the reference.
TRAINER VANESSA - Weird, Black Eyed Peas fans are usually over 50. Well, Fergie grew up in this dumpy trash-heap of a suburb and managed to kick a meth addiction, so I'm sure you can kick your lengua taco addiction.
PRISCILLA, VANESSA'S MOM - Horchata, too. She also loves horchata.
TRAINER VANESSA - Who you be?
PRISCILLA - Janelle's social coordinator. She's got Carmen's Quinceañera tomorrow, so you might need to cut her workout short.
TRAINER VANESSA - Ok, no problem. We'll just work out harder the next day.
PRISCILLA - The next day she has Marisol's Quinceañera.
TRAINER VANESSA - Fine, we'll just push it back to Wednesday.
PRISCILLA - Sorry. That's the day of Jorge's Sietenero.
TRAINER VANESSA - Ok, that's not even a real milestone.
PRISCILLA - Yes, it is. Our family made it up.
TRAINER VANESSA - So, do you guys just celebrate something every day to keep you from having committments?
PRISCILLA - Hey, puta! We have commitments! To partying.
TRAINER VANESSA - Janelle, you're an adult now. And adults sometimes skip enjoying life to stare at a blank wall while walking on a machine.
JANELLE - I don't like this adult business very much.
TRAINER VANESSA - **whispers** Wait until you get to have adult sex.
PRISCILLA - I heard that!
JANELLE - Mom, I'm skipping Carmen's quinceañera.
PRISCILLA - You'll regret this for the rest of your life! Your fourth step-cousin only turns 15 once!
TRAINER VANESSA - **whispers** Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex.
JANELLE - Gotta go! **runs out**
PRISCILLA - WE ARE A NORMAL FAMILY!!!!
**Workout montage. Janelle exercises with ropes between shots of tequila**
TRAINER VANESSA - Are you even old enough to be doing that?
JANELLE - Shut up. I could be taking shots of animal lard.
TRAINER VANESSA - Good point. Carry on.
**Janelle loses weight, gets bangs, and returns home from college. Everyone is quietly sitting around the house when she arrives**
PRISCILLA - Mija! You look so beautiful!
JANELLE'S GRANDMA - Except for the bangs.
PRISCILLA - Yes, Except for the bangs.
JANELLE - Why is everyone so quiet?
PRISCILLA - We took your trainer's advice and eliminated all joy from our lives. No more parties. No more marzipan.
JANELLE - What!?
PRISCILLA - We've decided to assimilate to be more like yuppy skinny tight-ass white people.
JANELLE - **points to green shit on the table** What even is that?
PRISCILLA - Kale. Whole Foods.
JANELLE - **cries** Que horible!
PRISCILLA - We thought this is what you wanted.
JANELLE - So did I.
PRISCILLA - Just kidding!!! Fuck that shit. Here, eat this chorizo while Tito Ramon sings to you.
JANELLE - Yes! I'm back, baby!
**Everyone parties and gets fat again, but it's cool, because they're having fun**
The End.
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