Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I Used to Be Fat Episode 8 - "Janelle"

Janelle just died in Vanessa's arms tonight. For real. She's dead now.


JANELLE - Excuse me?

TRAINER VANESSA  - Sorry. Hola, gorda. Wasn't sure if you were Latina or, like, Pacific Islander or some shit.

JANELLE - So, uh... who are you? 

TRAINER VANESSA - The person who's going to turn that stomach frown upside down.

JANELLE - I don't even know what that means.

TRAINER VANESSA - Oh, you will. You will. Let me start off by saying I'm happy to be here in Hacienda Heights, California, home of FERGIE FERG!


TRAINER VANESSA  - You know... Fergie. "Fergalicious-def-def-def-def. Check it out!"

JANELLE  -  I thought she was from York.

TRAINER VANESSA - Not that Fergie. I'm talkin' 'bout the girl that ruined the Black Eyed Peas.

JANELLE - I only hang out with my family, and they're all over 50, so I wouldn't get the reference.

TRAINER VANESSA - Weird, Black Eyed Peas fans are usually over 50. Well, Fergie grew up in this dumpy trash-heap of a suburb and managed to kick a meth addiction, so I'm sure you can kick your lengua taco addiction.

PRISCILLA, VANESSA'S MOM - Horchata, too. She also loves horchata.

TRAINER VANESSA  - Who you be?

PRISCILLA - Janelle's social coordinator. She's got Carmen's Quinceañera tomorrow, so you might need to cut her workout short.

TRAINER VANESSA - Ok, no problem. We'll just work out harder the next day.

PRISCILLA  - The next day she has Marisol's Quinceañera.

TRAINER VANESSA  - Fine, we'll just push it back to Wednesday.

PRISCILLA - Sorry. That's the day of Jorge's Sietenero.

TRAINER VANESSA - Ok, that's not even a real milestone.

PRISCILLA - Yes, it is. Our family made it up.

TRAINER VANESSA - So, do you guys just celebrate something every day to keep you from having committments?

PRISCILLA - Hey, puta! We have commitments! To partying.

TRAINER VANESSA - Janelle, you're an adult now. And adults sometimes skip enjoying life to stare at a blank wall while walking on a machine.

JANELLE - I don't like this adult business very much.

TRAINER VANESSA - **whispers** Wait until you get to have adult sex.

PRISCILLA - I heard that!

JANELLE - Mom, I'm skipping Carmen's quinceañera.

PRISCILLA - You'll regret this for the rest of your life! Your fourth step-cousin only turns 15 once!

TRAINER VANESSA - **whispers** Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex.

JANELLE -  Gotta go! **runs out**


**Workout montage. Janelle exercises with ropes between shots of tequila**

TRAINER VANESSA - Are you even old enough to be doing that?

JANELLE - Shut up. I could be taking shots of animal lard.

TRAINER VANESSA  - Good point. Carry on.

**Janelle loses weight, gets bangs, and returns home from college. Everyone is quietly sitting around the house when she arrives** 

PRISCILLA  - Mija! You look so beautiful!

JANELLE'S GRANDMA - Except for the bangs.

PRISCILLA - Yes, Except for the bangs.

JANELLE - Why is everyone so quiet?

PRISCILLA - We took your trainer's advice and eliminated all joy from our lives. No more parties. No more marzipan.

JANELLE - What!?

PRISCILLA - We've decided to assimilate to be more like yuppy skinny tight-ass white people.

JANELLE - **points to green shit on the table** What even is that?

PRISCILLA - Kale. Whole Foods.

JANELLE - **cries** Que horible!

PRISCILLA - We thought this is what you wanted.

JANELLE - So did I.

PRISCILLA -  Just kidding!!! Fuck that shit. Here, eat this chorizo while Tito Ramon sings to you.

JANELLE  - Yes! I'm back, baby!
**Everyone parties and gets fat again, but it's cool, because they're having fun**

The End. 

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