Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I Used to Be Fat Episode 4 - "Latrice"

TRAINER DEVIN JOHNSON - Hey! I'm Devin, and I'm going to be your personal trainer.

I am fat.
I know that.
DEVIN JOHNSON - Cool rhyme! We're going to start with some Suicides.

Is when I decide.


Damn. Wow.
Like when my mother took a Sham Wow.
And washed away my existence. 

DEVIN JOHNSON - Ok, ok, cool. So I see you're into, like, poetry? Really awesome. But, um, try to take a break from that and give me a full minute on the treadmill.

Another minute running,
is another minute I'm gunning,
to kill. 

DEVIN JOHNSON - **clears throat uncomfortably** Alrighty. So... I know this therapist...

LATRICE - Therapist. Like a cold, hard -

DEVIN JOHNSON  - Ok, cut it out now.

At the therapist's office...

THERAPIST - You wear your fat like a suit of armor. A fat suit made of steel, instead of foam latex.


THERAPIST - Yep. To hide the pain.

LATRICE - You're right!

THERAPIST - Always. Latrice, to stop self-sabotaging, you'll have to start with your poetry. Write happy verses, about goals and health.

LATRICE - Ok! Thanks, doc!

**Latrice works out, eats chicken wings and fries, loses a little bit of weight**

 At the Traveling Poets of Southwestern Pennsylvania Audition...

HEAD TRAVELING POET - Welcome to the traveling team of poets. We stay at Quality Inns off the interstate.  Now let's hear what you've got.

There is a reason,
exercises end with the word up.
And not down. 


LATRICE -  Ok, how about this one?
I do seven Burpees,
and seven seconds of an isometric hold.
Lucky number?
I think so.  


LATRICE - No? Alright, here's this.

You hold the barbell, and lower it down to my chest.
This act of support, makes you better than the rest. 
HEAD TRAVELING POET - Are your poems all about... Exercising?

LATRICE - Yep! It's positive.

HEAD TRAVELING POET - Yeah, well, they're shallow and they suck. Please leave.

**Latrice leaves**

DEVIN - **chases after Latrice** Hey, chin up. Now that you're a skinny person, you've got to leave poetry behind you and have new interests.

LATRICE - Like what? 

DEVIN - Like doo rags, Under Armour, and iPods. 

LATRICE - So you're saying feelings are for fat people.

DEVIN - No! That's not what I'm - Ok, yes. That's exactly what I'm saying.  

LATRICE - I agree. Want to go to REI to buy specialty water bottles? 

DEVIN - Shotgun! **they run off to the car**


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