Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Real World San Diego Episode 5 - "Over the Rainbow"

Nothing's sexier than shooting something and watching the blood and guts spill out all over the place. photo -

 In Zach and Sam's bedroom...

ZACH - Two things you should know about me. I love huntin', church, guns, beatin' up queers, and gettin' bee jays from transexuals.

ASHLEY - What was that last part?

ZACH  - Uh... Beatin' up queers?

ASHLEY -  Oh, ok. Well, if you love those things, so do I.

ZACH  - Damn right, you do. Now come to Papa and make his eyebrows look lovely.

SAM - **enters, looking distraught** My friend got her leg amputated. Want to go bowling with us, to celebrate the things we can do that she now can't?

ASHLEY -  Sounds fun!

ZACH - Sounds gay.

ASHLEY  - Er, I meant, sounds gay.

ZACH - We're gonna go shoot guns. You know, a straight-people activity.

SAM - Ah, yes. Holding a phallic instrument and feeling its length with your fingers for hours. Got it.

ZACH - I love rubbing that long, black, hard piece of steel. Up and down. Down and up. Yeah. **clears throat** NO HOMO!

SAM  - Right. Well, have fun with that. We gotta get over to Palm Lanes before leagues start.

ZACH - Wait, Sam. I'd like to draw your attention to the American flags around our room.

SAM - Just in case we forget where we've been living all of our lives?

ZACH - Right. I just don't want you to forget.

SAM -  I... won't? 'Cuz I live here? 

ZACH - Right. Just so you know.

SAM  - Ok. Well, this has been a productive convo. Have fun playing with guns in your gun shirt.

ZACH - Oh, we will.

**Sam leaves** 

ASHLEY - I'm kind of horny.

ZACH - Guns will do that to you.

ASHLEY - Right. Guns. **pictures Sam in her head while they do sex** 

At the House of Blues... 

HOUSE OF BLUES GENERAL MANAGER - Welcome to the musical equivalent of Chili's.

ASSISTANT GENERAL MANAGER - We will now interview all of you. You first, little boy.

Sam's Interview...

SAM - I was in marching band in high school.


SAM - Here's the real shocker. State champions. Three years in a row.


SAM  - But it was after I graduated.

Nate's Interview...

NATE - I love thinking. Objectively, subjectively, obtusely, critically.

GENERAL MANAGER - **to assistant** Speaking of thinking, are you thinking what I'm thinking?



Alexandra's interview...

ALEXANDRA - I started an AIDS research foundation when I was still in diapers. While curing an epidemic, I was shitting myself.

Ashley's interview....

ASHLEY - See this face? This is the face of a bartender.

GENERAL MANAGER - Your resume says you were a model.

ASHLEY - All the agencies said I had a face for radio, so bartending is the middle ground. **winks, smiles**

Zach's interview.... 

ZACH **sits, grunts, farts** Yo.

GENERAL MANAGER - This guy's really going places.

Priscilla's interview...

PRISCILLA -   I had my prom here. It sucked.

Frank's interview...

FRANK - I have sex with people with penises, and people with vaginas. So, in short, I'm a multi-tasker with a lot to offer your company.

GENERAL MANAGER - Ok, then! Great group we got here.

ASSISTANT GENERAL MANAGER - Why the fuck did we agree to be on this show again?

GENERAL MANAGER - Our stupid marketing department.

Back at the house...

FRANK - Sam and I had an amazing day.

SAM - We went to a gay book store and bought a bunch of rainbow paraphernalia.

FRANK  - It was life-changing. I never thought I'd get to experience open homosexual consumerism

SAM  - It's really freeing, right? PS - you owe me a ten spot for the cowboy boot sticker.

ZACH - Well, I also had an amazing day. I put up these picture of bullet-ridden civilians all around the room. Don't fucking touch them.

FRANK -  Is that Amadou Diallo?

ZACH  - The one and only.

FRANK -  Um, cool.

SAM - Soooo.... Zach, do you like highlighters?

ZACH - Of course.

SAM - Do you like white t-shirts?

ZACH - Duh.

SAM - Then you have to come to the lesbian highlight tshirt party no excuses you said you like highligthers and white t-shirts so you have to come and you can't say you don't feel like it cuz you already said you like those things.

ZACH - You tricked me!

SAM - Homophobe!  

ZACH - I'm not a homophobe! I happened to really enjoy watching Frank passionately kiss his new friend at the Gay Pride parade, something you will see on the next episode! 

ASHLEY - Uh... what? 

ZACH - Shit. I meant, Guns! Rare Beef! American Flag T-Shirts!


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