Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I Used To Be Fat Episode 3 - "Lindsay"

My dad's a dick, rah rah rah!  - photo -

LINDSAY - I need to get thin so I can do a proper round-off.

TRAINER ARY NUNEZ - A round-off? I used to love to do round-offs when I was little!

LINDSAY - No, I'm talking about serious round-offs here. I'm going to be a college cheerleader. 

ARY NUNEZ - Um... that's great! 

LINDSAY - All I need to do is lose weight, perfect my round-off, and I'm ready to be a cheerleader at a large university in the South. 

ARY NUNEZ - You... go girl? 

LINDSAY - Yep. Maybe we could even go shopping for Spanks after our workout today. 

ARY NUNEZ - Ok, I can't do this. Lindsay, you are not going to make the cheerleading squad at Old Dominion University.

LINDSAY - W-w-what? But I've been training for two whole weeks! 

ARY NUNEZ - People train their whole lives for this. I'm sorry. Not gonna happen. 

LINDSAY -  Maaaaaa! I want a new traineeeerrrr!

ARY NUNEZ  - I'm just being honest. See this doo rag? It's a symbol of honesty. 

LINDSAY  - Maaaaaa! She's meeaaaaaan!

LINDSAY'S MOM - **rushes down the stairs to confront Ary** Get outta here, before I sic my fake ponytail on you!

ARY NUNEZ - Fine. But I do hope you realize I also train Rihanna.

LINDSAY'S MOM - Who? If you would have said Charro, I would have been impressed.



ARY NUNEZ - **throws doo rag on the floor** Good luck finding a trainer who will enable all of your delusions of college cheerleading and beyond. Because I will NOT! **leaves**

LINDSAY'S MOM - **introduces new trainer** Linds, this is Yusuf.

YUSUF - I will enable all of your delusions of college cheerleading and beyond.

LINDSAY - Sweet. 

YUSUF - Now let's do some Super Squats over a sickly raccoon.


YUSUF  - Then I'm going to make you wear a leash and parade you in front of the Wendy's all your friends hang out at.


YUSUF -  Then I'm going to make you do sit-ups and squeeze my boobies every time you reach the top.


YUSUF - Then I'm going to make you do push-ups off a bench.

LINDSAY - What the fuck?! Push-ups off a bench?

YUSUF - Yeah.

LINDSAY  - That is SICK! FUCK OFF! **storms off to water fountain**

YUSUF - **follows her to water fountain, stands awkwardly** Um... is this where I'm supposed to hug you and tell you not to give up?

LINDSAY - Yes, idiot.

YUSUF - Ok. Uh, don't give up. **hugs**

LINDSAY - Whatever.

YUSUF - How about this? I'll give you some bitchin' motorcycle gloves to wear while you do push-ups off a bench.

LINDSAY  - Why didn't you say so before?

Workout Montage.

Lindsay meets her fat dick of a dad at a restaurant... 

LINDSAY - Look, Daddy! I've lost some weight.

LINDSAY'S DAD - Oh, here we go again. Always about you.

LINDSAY -  But this has been a huge accomplishment for me.

LINDSAY'S DAD - You know what's a huge accomplishment? Having high blood pressure and still finding the will to get out of bed in the morning.

LINDSAY - Dad... Lots of people have high blood pressure.

LINDSAY'S DAD -  Do they also have diabetes? Because I do. It's the killer trifecta. Diabetes and high blood pressure.

LINDSAY - A trifecta is supposed to be three things....

LINDSAY'S DAD - Shaddup. I don't know if you've heard, but diabetes is a rare, strange disease that nobody is willing to accommodate. **opens Splenda packet, pours into his mouth**

LINDSAY - Taste good?

LINDSAY'S DAD - Fuck yeah, it does. So how was the rest of your college orientation?

LINDSAY - Fine, beside having to hitchhike home and sell my body at a truck stop in Trenton to afford food.

LINDSAY'S DAD - That's my girl. I knew you could make it on your own.

LINDSAY -  Graduation was good, too, besides you leaving early and then egging my car.

LINDSAY'S DAD  - When I was in school, only the popular kids got egged. You should be proud.

LINDSAY - You're a fat dick of a dad, you know that?

LINDSAY'S DAD - So? I don't care about my family. I care about me.

LINDSAY - Um... Bye. **goes to college, makes friend, avoids stir fry**

Lindsay comes  home for Thanksgiving...

LINDSAY  - Maaaaa! I'm home!

LINDSAY'S MOM - My baby! My life!

LINDSAY - You probably shouldn't refer to me as your life, now that I live four states away n' stuff.

LINDSAY'S MOM -  Trying to pick up a hobby didn't work out so well. Macrame blows.

LINDSAY  - You look like you lost some weight.

LINDSAY'S MOM  - Ditching the fake ponytail took off thirty-five pounds. And I can move my head now. **shakes her head** Hey! Let's go to Friendly's and get a sundae.

LINDSAY -  They all closed.

LINDSAY'S MOM -  How many more curve balls is God gonna throw my way, huh? HOW FUCKIN' MANY?

The End.

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