Thursday, October 6, 2011

Real World San Diego Episode 2 - "Danas, Derrieres and Drama"

The life of a bi-sexual man living rent-free on the beach is a tortuous one.  photo -

Nate n' Sam, huntin' for some strange on the beach...

NATE - Bro, watch me bag these chicks with a flick of my wrists.  

SAM - You don't think your cherry-red face will frighten them? 

NATE - This cherry-red face has gotten me three high school chicks with bad grades and 22 milfs, some with multiple C-Section scars. Now check this out. **approaches two bikini-clad babes** Hey, sugar tits. Kathy Bates got nothin' on you.


NATE - Crap. Um, how 'bout this? Is your father a sculptor? Because those thighs look like somebody made them out of brown lumpy clay.

BIKINI-CLAD BABE II - Are you calling us fat?

NATE  - No! Never! Listen... Of all the cigarette-butt strewn beaches in Southern California, you had to walk into this one and make the place smell like guacamole.

SAM - Dude, you're bombing!

NATE  -  Oh yeah? Like you could do better?

SAM - Watch me. **strokes babe's arm** What's your name, girl?


SAM - Ooooh, I like that.

BIKINI-CLAD BABE I - **Giggles**

SAM - Lemme tell you something, girl. I don't think you smell like guacamole. More like fresh, sun-ripened avocados picked by manicured finger tips from the produce aisle at Ralph's.

BIKINI-CLAD BABE I  - **Giggles** Can I give you my phone number?

SAM - Naw, girl. I'm just a 13 year old boy. Wouldn't be legal. But dream about me, ok?

BIKINI-CLAD BABE I - I'll wait for you. Until you grow up.

SAM - You couldn't handle it, baby doll.  **To Nate** And that's how it's done.

NATE  - Wtf? How'd you do that?

SAM  - I'm a chick, remember? I know what chicks like.

NATE - I was really feeling that Dana girl, but I think she's more into you...

SAM - It's better this way. If you went on a date, you'd probably blow it by laughing at Zach spying on you from the corner, making her super uncomfortable.

NATE - You're right. You know, for a gay person, you're super intuitive.

DANA 2.0 - **to Nate** Hi, I'm Dana, here to serve as the replacement for the Dana you'd rather have but ditched your ass.

NATE  - Cool, come in the house to pee.

They enter the house to find an impromptu "Jam Sesh"...

ALEXANDRA - "Gimme every thing that you gooooot... Gimme every piece of your heart..."

NATE - What the fuck?

ALEXANDRA - Oh hey! Welcome. These are some musical dudes that would never associate with me if I couldn't provide them with national exposure. "Yeah eee yeah eee yeah-ahhhhh....".

NATE - Well, I've got a Dana to ditch, so wrap it up and let's go to the club.

ALEXANDRA -  One sec... Mute the intro, guitar player.


ALEXANDRA - Whatever.  "Yeah eee yeah eee yeah-ahhhhh...."

PRISCILLA - Everybody ready to go? This jailbait Mexican designated driver is ready to leave the station.

ZACH - Just a minute - waiting for my face mask to penetrate my pores.

ASHLEY - And I need a few seconds for my ass mask to penetrate my ass pores.

ZACH -  Aw. We have so much in common.

ASHLEY  - Aw. I know.

At Da Club...

FRANK - **to straight guy** You have the most beautiful eyes, skin, and anal cavity.

STRAIGHT GUY I - Fuck off, homo. **punches Frank**

FRANK  - Ow! **tries another straight guy** You have the most beautiful hair, nose and fecal matter.

STRAIGHT GUY II - Kill yourself, gaylord. **punches Frank**

FRANK - Ow! **tries another straight guy** You have the most beautiful hands, breath and foreskin.

STRAIGHT GUY II  - Die, Ef Word.*punches Frank** 


ALEXANDRA - Frank! You have to stop hitting on straight guys!

FRANK - What, so everything defaults to straight in your world?

NATE - At a not-gay bar, yes!


ASHLEY - That's not true. We just don't like to watch you get punched in the face repeatedly.


In the kitchen the next morning...

FRANK - W-what happened last night?

ASHLEY - You yelled at everybody and called me a slut.

FRANK  - Well, I take it all back. Except the slut part. Kinda true.

ALEXANDRA - Frank, what makes you behave this way?

FRANK - My pops called me a faygala two weeks ago. That's Yiddish for "gay person".

ALEXANDRA  - That must hurt so much.

FRANK - It does. It really does. Trucies?

EVERYBODY - Trucies.

The End. 

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