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| This is a lady with ladyparts. photo - mtv.com |
SAM - Sup.
ZACH - And you are... ?
SAM - Sam.
ZACH - And you are... ?
SAM - A lesbian who looks like a dude.
ZACH - Thanks. I thought it was going to be a lot more difficult to obtain that information.
SAM - Anytime.
ZACH - So... I'm the resident homophobe this season. Not sure I can hang with someone with such a different lifestyle.
SAM - You like eatin' steak and pussy?
ZACH - Of course.
SAM - **slaps Zach on the back** Then we got the same lifestyle, broseph.
ZACH - Ok. Glad that's settled.
NATE - I'm Nate. **to Sam** How's it hangin', man?
SAM - - If by "it" you mean my left labia, pretty low.
NATE - Point taken. Anybody got some atoms they need split?
FRANK - I split Adam an hour ago. HA!
NATE - Oh great. A gay.
FRANK - Hey, man, I bang chicks, too. Well, I would, if any of them would ever acknowledge my existence.
ALEXANDRA - Hello, I'm Alexandra. I moved from Zimbabwe over ten years ago, but still say I'm from Zimbabwe, 'cuz that's how hipsters roll.
FRANK - YES! A woman has acknowledged my existence.
ALEXANDRA - Actually, I was sort of addressing the whole group....
FRANK - Doesn't matter. I love you.
ALEXANDRA - Sorry, I have a boyfriend. Byron.
FRANK - Homo name. Me and you. You and me.
ASHLEY - Hi, I'm Ashley. I stand in front of the window at Clark's Big and Tall in Berlin, Connecticut in my underwear.
ZACH - Aw yeah. A white straight blonde. The two of us can be like the football player and cheerleader of our small town, who grow up to be fat and resentful, co-managing an Ace Hardware.
ASHLEY - If you can throw in five kids and eight DUIs between the two of us, I see a bright future.
ZACH - Deal.
PRISCILLA - Hey, so, I'm not 21 yet. Is that going to be a problem?
NATE - Doesn't bother me. In fact, it really irons out the details of who I'm going to sexually assault while everyone else is out at the club.
SAM - Well, now that we've all gotten to know each other, whaddya say we crack open a few brewskis and start a fire on the roof?
EVERYBODY - COOL!
SAM - Let me just rub together some faggots...
FRANK - WHAT THE FUCK?
SAM - What?
FRANK - You said faggot!
SAM - Yeah, you know, sticks you use to start a fire?
FRANK - Oh really? I'm standing here in a sweat band and a Hawaiian shirt, and suddenly you're speaking in 12th Century Old English? **starts throwing shit**
ALEXANDRA - Hey, dude, chill.
FRANK - Says the woman with a boyfriend who's been leading me on by speaking to me sometimes!!! **throws more shit**
ZACH - I knew it. I've never met a gay person, but I just knew this is how they'd behave.
ASHLEY - Yeah.
ZACH - Want to touch each other's privates on the giant chess board?
ASHLEY - Sounds good.
THE END.
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