Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Episode 1 - "Back to Beverly Hills"

The cast discusses the news about Russell Armstrong at the Maloof Estate...


MAURICIO UMANSKY - I am also sad.



PAUL NASSIF - Now that we got that out of the way, check out the sweet dog we got to kick Giggy's ass.

LISA VANDERPUMP - That thing? Where'd you get it... a shelter?

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - Ha! Good one, sweetie. **they high-five**

PAUL NASSIF  - Eat me, Rod Stewart.

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP -  Excuse me? I couldn't understand you with those stringy pube strands hanging in front of your lips.

PAUL NASSIF -  Well, I can't understand you with your dog sharing your champagne glass.

ADRIENNE MALOOF - Ok, that didn't even make sense.

PAUL NASSIF -  Can you try, just try, to not completely shatter my sense of self worth in a room full of people?

ADRIENNE MALOOF - Wait, you previously had a sense of self worth?

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - See? This is why the dead guy and I are in therapy.

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - Therapy? In England, we call that "Pussy School".

KYLE RICHARDS - Well, in England you named the shitter after some guy named Lou, so nobody cares what you say.

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - Speaking of, I've got to go to the Ladies. Bernie's tuna tartare really did a number. **leaves**

LISA VANDERPUMP - Nothing new for Bernie.

BERNIE, MALOOF CHEF - **comes out from the kitchen** Ex-fucking-cuse me?

LISA VANDERPUMP -  No offense, Big Bern.

BERNIE - Do NOT use diminutive nicknames on me!

LISA VANDERPUMP  - It's not really diminutive, I said BIG Bern.

BERNIE - **grabs her plate** No more for you. You're done. **throws plate against the wall**

KYLE RICHARDS - **shakes head like Rosie Perez** Uh uh, no you Brits di'int. First Ken offends Taylor, now Bernie? Who's next?

KIM RICHARDS - I'm probably next.

KYLE RICHARDS - Yeah, probs.

KEN TODD VANDERPUMP - Offend? It's not my fault Taylor and Rigor Mortis Russ go to Pussy School.

ADRIENNE MALOOF - Hey, man, whatever keeps their marriage intact. 

PAUL NASSIF - Oh, you're some kind of authority on marriage? The last time I saw you naked was on the operating table!

ADRIENNE MALOOF - "Oh, boo hoo, my billionaire wife who provides me with a lifestyle most people only dream of only has sex with me once every five years. Waaaaaaaaah!"

PAUL NASSIF - You know what? I'm going to watch The Naked Detective in the theater, and maybe jerk off to it. Just to teach you a lesson! 

ADRIENNE MALOOF - Good, that will buy me another three years!

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG - **back from crying in the bathroom** ENOUGH! ENOUGH! ENOUGH!

KIM RICHARDS - So this is what happens when you stay sober at parties.


 KIM RICHARDS - Fuck yeah, it does. **chugs champagne**

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