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| This is the face of outrage over an ill-fitting costume. |
ABBY LEE MILLER - This weekend is the Lightning & Thunder Death & Destruction Competition in Las Vegas, Nevada. Chloe, you are at the top of the pyramid.
CHLOE - Yaay!
ABBY LEE MILLER - But only because Maddie is sitting this one out.
CHLOE - Oh.
ABBY LEE MILLER - Sorry, what can I say? Not all eight year olds are created equal.
CHLOE - I'm nine.
ABBY LEE MILLER - Ok, not all eight and nine year olds are created equal, except the ones that are really good at stuff, and you are not that. Can we move on now?
MADDIE - Yes, please.
ABBY LEE MILLER - Oh, Maddie. Even the way you answer rhetorical questions is adorable. I love you. Ok, kids, what's another name for Las Vegas?
BROOKE - Place where Daddy watched two ladies use a double-ended fake wee wee and then had to sleep on the sofa for three months?
ABBY LEE MILLER - Sure, we'll go with that. You all are going to embody the six deadly sins.
MINISTER DAWN - Excuse me, there are seven deadly sins.
ABBY LEE MILLER - Get the fuck out of here.
MINISTER DAWN - K. **leaves**
ABBY LEE MILLER - Brando the security guard is getting a demotion for that one. Brooke, you're going to be gluttony, because you're kind of fat.
BROOKE - My mom says my hips are just spreading because of puberty.
ABBY LEE MILLER - Well, your mom's an idiot. You are fat. Chloe, you are going to be envy, because I know when you lay your head down at night, all you think about is wanting to be Maddie.
CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Hey! That's not true!
ABBY LEE MILLER - Sorry, I meant you are going to be envy because when your MOTHER lays her head down at night, all she thinks about is wanting to be Maddie.
CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Much better.
ABBY LEE MILLER - Nia, you're black, so we'll have to make up a special black people sin for you.
HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - What?! It's the same sins for everybody!
ABBY LEE MILLER- Hey, Huey Newton, pipe down. Maddie, you will be sloth, because you are the exact opposite of sloth. You are a hardworking, exceptional, beautiful, sexy person.
MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - Sexy?
ABBY LEE MILLER - Huh? I didn't say that. You're crazy. Now I don't remember what the other sins are, so they rest of you are gonna run around on the stage in a state of confusion.
MADDIE - Who's that lady with the peacock on her head?
ABBY LEE MILLER - Oh, now now, that's not an actual peacock. It's a headpiece made of feathers plucked from a dead peacock that was killed. Liz, tell them a bit about the showgirl business.
LIZ, FORMER SHOWGIRL - Sure. Well, you know that scene in Showgirls, where Kyle MacLachlan rubs Elizabeth Berkley's nipples with an ice cube to make them stick out? That is all one hundred percent... True.
ABBY LEE MILLER - **pushes Liz out of the room** Ok, thank you Liz for that information! Moving on.
In Fabulous Las Vegas....
KELLY, BROOKE & PAIGES'S MOM - Kids, go with Miss Abby to the ice cream parlor so she can teach you to be fat.
CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - In the mean time, we will be taking shots off a snow ski and fucking Chippendales in the pool.
HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - Don't wait up.
At the Lightning & Thunder Death & Destruction Competition...
ABBY LEE MILLER - Well, girls, your slut mothers were too busy drinking and having sex to support you, so try not to suck despite the lack of parental love and attention.
**the girls go on stage, suck**
ABBY LEE MILLER - Fuck, dude.
The End.
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