Thursday, September 1, 2011

Dance Moms Episode 8 - "Love on the Dance Floor"

Abby Lee extols the healing powers of a greasy watermelon. photo -

At the Galactic Strength Booty Joose Movement competition in Orlando, FL...

ABBY LEE MILLER - Welcome to Walt Disney World! Too bad you won't get to go on any rides or meet any characters. Muahahahaha.

CATHY - Fuck that. Vivi-Anne and I are off to hunt for some strange in the Tower of Terror line. PEACE! **they leave**

ABBY LEE MILLER - See Vivi-Anne, having a good childhood? That's what we call a loser. Now suit up for "Snapshot". Brooke, here's the thirteen-year old boy you're going to pretend-fuck on stage.

BRANDON - Hey, guuuurl.

BROOKE - **giggles**

ABBY LEE MILLER - Alright, Brooke, mount Brandon and swing your arm around like you're at the rodeo.


ABBY LEE MILLER - What's the problem, Nancy Grace? Too racy for you?

KELLY, BROOKE'S MOM - I mean, I don't even do the "rodeo arm" with my husband, and I'm fifty-two.

ABBY LEE MILLER  - You don't like the way I teach your children to dry hump on stage? Hit the yellow pages, **licks her index finger** and find another studio!

KELLY, BROOKE'S MOM - People still use the yellow pages?

ABBY LEE MILLER -  You're fifty-two, you tell me. Brook and Brandon, here's a day pass to PT Boomers. Try and see if there's any chemistry between you two on the mini golf course. Maybe cop a feel or two in front of Wac-A-Mole.

DIANE, BRANDON'S MOM - Wear a condom!

ABBY LEE MILLER  - Right, here's a pack of Glow in the Darks.

DIANE, BRANDON'S MOM -  I was just kidding, Abby.

ABBY LEE MILLER - It's ok, that pack has been taking up too much room in my pocket, anyway. Nia, let's practice your Bollywood number.

HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - Oh, great, another "ethnic" number. What are you going to do, put a dot on her forehead and make her wear a turban?

ABBY LEE MILLER - Yes, actually. Put these on, Nia.

HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - I've never seen a Bollywood number with people in turbans.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Oh, I forgot that you're such a connoisseur of Indian musical films. "Mrs. PhD" is in the house, thinking she knows more than someone who didn't finish high school.

HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - No, I just happen to think a turban doesn't fit -

ABBY LEE MILLER - In my head, all Indian people wear turbans. Don't like it? Find another dance teacher who doesn't picture in her head all Indian people wear turbans!

BROOKE - We're back.

BRANDON - I'm a man now.

ABBY LEE MILLER  - Good, that's what I was hoping would happen. You guys are gonna knock "Snapshot" out of the park!

**the group gets on stage in bikinis and sun hats, flop around on stage for three minutes. Brandon hovers in the corner like a frightened doe.**

ANNOUNCER - Without even having to deliberate, I think we can safely say "Snapshot" gets last place.

ABBY LEE MILLER -  Brandon! You said you were a man now!

BRANDON -  I am. I lapped the carny dude who operates the go-carts twice!

ABBY LEE MILLER  - Jesus Christ, what's wrong with the world today when 13-year olds have no interest in sex? I was banging a Russian choreographer at 12 -  **starts to feel up her breasts** Mmmm...


ABBY LEE MILLER - What? I'm kind of having a moment here.

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - Maddie's hurt because you made her chase a lubed-up watermelon.

ABBY LEE MILLER   - You don't like your kid chasing a lubed-up watermelon? Then find a new dance studio that doesn't make your kid chase a lubed-up watermelon!

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - Wonder if they list that on Yelp...

ABBY LEE MILLER - Can we go back to discussing greasy fruit? Brings me back to one particularly steamy evening with Yakov Petrov...

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM  - Damn it, Abby! Maddie shouldn't be playing fun games! She's a girl, not a boy!

ABBY LEE MILLER - You sure? I saw a strange lump during her "Angel" number.

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - Only boys should be playing games in the pool!

ABBY LEE MILLER - She'll be fine.

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM  -  If Maddie's next number doesn't completely murder Julianna's number and bury its lifeless corpse behind the Country Bear's Jamboree, I want my tuition back.

ABBY LEE MILLER - I know how to get her back in shape. Maddie, honey, a group of people in Ballroom F want to give you attention!

MADDIE - Where?! **darts away.**

ABBY LEE MILLER -  See? It's all good. Now leave me be - I want to think about Yakov Petrov and a lubed-up watermelon. And by "think", I mean touch myself.


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