Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 3 - "The Prince and I"

Patti takes Groupon Daniel to a land called 2009, where fedoras are cool.

PATTI STANGER - Today, you are a tiger. And to show the world you are a tiger, you'll wear this grey fedora.

DANIEL KIBBLESMITH - Tigers don't wear hats.

PATTI STANGER - The fuck they don't! Put it on.

DANIEL KIBBLESMITH -  I don't wanna.


DANIEL KIBBLESMITH - I don't wanna! Even nerds know fedoras are so two thousand and late!

PATTI STANGER - You know what goes perfectly with a Black Eyed Peas quote? A fedora!


PATTI STANGER - Do you want to find love? Then put on this hat and look like someone who doesn't masturbate to their own anime drawings.

DANIEL KIBBLESMITH - I just want to curl up in a ball with my hoodie and tell the puppet with the fried egg eyes about my day!

PATTI STANGER - This is LA. The only puppet you'll see around here is a Real Doll.

DANIEL KIBBLESMITH -  Couldn't I just get one of those? She'd probably know that fedoras are stupid.

PATTI STANGER  - NO!  **pushes him into Shaneena**

SHANEENA - **in sign language** "Wanna fuck?" **in regular talk** Bet you don't know what that means.

DANIEL KIBBLESMITH - Yes, I do. And no, I do not.

SHANEENA  - Geez, never gotten that response before. I have chest glitter.

DANIEL KIBBLESMITH  -  I just want to curl up in a ball with my hoodie and tell the puppet with the fried egg eyes about my day.

SHANEENA -  Let me bring you out of your shell. Drink this. **gives him a Washington Apple Shot**

DANIEL KIBBLESMITH  -  Blech! It tastes like penis water!

SHANEENA  - I don't know what that is, but it sounds delicious. Here, put some glitter on your cheeks.

DANIEL KIBBLESMITH - It... it... itches.   

SHANEENA - You know what else is gonna itch? When I tickle the opening between your two front teeth with my tongue. **tries to kiss him** 

DANIEL KIBBLESMITH -  Paaaatttiiii! I wanna go hooooome!

PATTI STANGER - Alright, alright, you pussy. Date over. I give you permission to curl up in a ball with your hoodie and have sex with the puppet with the fried egg eyes.

DANIEL KIBBLESMITH - Noooo, I want to tell the puppet with the fried egg eyes about my day.

PATTI STANGER  - Oh. I thought that was code for something.

DANIEL KIBBLESMITH  - Nope. He and I get each other.

PATTI STANGER - Gimme that damn fedora. I'll give it to somebody who appreciates it. **puts it on Prince Max**

PRINCE MARIO MAX SCHAUMBURG-LIPPE - Oh, hells yeah. This hat is so current and fresh!

PATTI STANGER - That's right. Here, meet Clark.

CLARK - I love to travel.

PATTI STANGER - Max is a prince.

CLARK - Perfect, because I love to travel.

PRINCE MARIO MAX SCHAUMBURG-LIPPE - Patti! You are not supposed to tell anybody that I am a prince.

CLARK - It's cool. I love to travel, so we have a lot in common.

PRINCE MARIO MAX SCHAUMBURG-LIPPE - Why do you keep talking about traveling?

CLARK - Dunno. 

PRINCE MARIO MAX SCHAUMBURG-LIPPE - Want to try ballroom dancing? 

CLARK - Travel. Travel.


PATTI STANGER - Fine, just give me back that hat.  

CLARK - Travel travel travel travel traveling travel.  

PATTI STANGER - **puts on the fedora** Ok, I guess it is pretty two thousand and late.


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