Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 2 - "The Chauvinist and the Playboy"

Tori Spelling, the best example of modern motherhood available on the day this show was filming.

DAVID MEZHERITSKY - Hello. I live in Canada.

PATTI STANGER - Oooh, a Canuck, eh? I like that aboot you... Eh?

DAVID MEZHERITSKY -  But I'm really from Russia. 

PATTI STANGER - Shit. I had a lot more Canada jokes lined up. Maple syrup, ice hockey, Matthew Perry...

DAVID MEZHERITSKY - Sorry to disappoint.

PATTI STANGER  - It's ok, I guess. Just wish I knew ahead of time so I could look up Russia on wikipedia.

DAVID MEZHERITSKY  - Patti, I am interested in a wife who is not good at things.

PATTI STANGER -  I suck at tennis.

DAVID MEZHERITSKY  - I mean ALL things, except breastfeeding and penis-fondling.

PATTI STANGER  - I'd recommend Camel Toe Lady over here, but she's clearly quite good at accentuating her camel toe.

CAMEL TOE LADY - Thank you.

PATTI STANGER- You're welcome. Here. Meet Tori Spelling. She can tell you what it's like to cook things in your uterus while being good at having a camera crew following you.

TORI SPELLING - Hi. I'm Tori Spelling, star of "Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood."

DAVID MEZHERITSKY - I'm afraid I don't recognize you. We don't have bad reality television in Canada.

TORI SPELLING - Then how do you know about Patti's show?

PATTI STANGER - Hey, asshole, why don't you go back to not fucking David Silver?

TORI SPELLING - Whoa. Touchy. DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES! **walks away**

PATTI STANGER - David, How about this chick? **points to Stephanie**

DAVID MEZHERITSKY  - Decent. Want to take a bath together?

STEPHANIE - Sounds good. **they go take a bath together**

PATTI STANGER  - Ok, that's taken care of. What about you, Baseball Cards? What are you into?

BRIAN WALLOS - They're not actually baseball cards, because the women on there don't play baseball, they just -

PATTI STANGER   - Shush, I don't care. Here, meet Carol Leifer's younger sister, Debrah.






DEBRAH - Who are they?

BRIAN WALLOS  - Some women I take naked pictures of to put on trading cards.

DEBRAH - Oh. Ok.

BRIAN WALLOS - Are you ok with that?

DEBRAH - The last guy I dated held the boom mike for a donkey show in Van Nuys. This is small potatoes.

PATTI STANGER - Rachel, will you look at those two? I am Sofa King good at this job.

RACHEL FEDEROFF - Yeah, but who was the one down in the trenches, plucking these women off of Sunset?

PATTI STANGER -  Don't you have a rockabilly concert to go to somewhere?

RACHEL FEDEROFF - Yes. But it doesn't start 'till eight.

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