Thursday, August 18, 2011

Dance Moms Episode 6 - "Dying to Dance"

SICKLE FEET! photo -

ABBY LEE MILLER - New plan for next week's Dance Explosion Erection Eruption Mania. "Where Have All the Children Gone" is a tribute to all the kids I've eaten.

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - Rest in peace, little Kayla Johnson.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Mmmm, she was the tastiest.

KELLY, BROOKE'S  MOM - So how is this different from routines like "Party Party Party" and "Texting My BFF?"

ABBY LEE MILLER  - Darker. Much darker. The girls are going to show their own deaths, whether it be from choking, stabbing, or jumping off the stage.

HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - Wow, props are going to be costly.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Props? No props. Actual deaths. Like I said - dark.

HOLLY, NIA'S MOM -  I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this -

ABBY LEE MILLER - Hey, Michelle, don't you have a cheeseburger to be yanking out of some kid's mouth instead of butting into my artistic vision?

HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - Not every educated black woman with anchor hair should be compared to Michelle Obama.

ABBY LEE MILLER -  This is my studio. You don't like racism? Go to another studio.

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM -  So, lemme get this straight - the girls are actually going to kill themselves?

ABBY LEE MILLER -  Yes ma'am.


ABBY LEE MILLER - You betcha.

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - I gotta tell you, Abby Lee... **pause** you are a VISIONARY! No other studios are doing live-action deaths!

ABBY LEE MILLER - Thank you. Now I want you all to imagine this talent pyramid was a death pyramid. Who's going to be at the top? 

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM -  Certainly not Chloe. Only Maddie's death is good enough for you, huh? 

ABBY LEE MILLER - Eh, I actually wouldn't mind putting Chloe at the top of this pyramid.  

KELLY, BROOKE'S  MOM - I dunno, Abby Lee... I'm a little uncomfortable with the theme.

ABBY LEE MILLER  - Uh oh, somebody's cranky cuz they just turned 40!

CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM  - It's not the theme I mind, it's Maddie's choking solo. Even in death, she still comes in first.

ABBY LEE MILLER - Uh oh, somebody else is cranky cuz they just turned 40!


ABBY LEE MILLER - Hahaha. Good one. So let me pose a question -

CATHY, VIVI-ANNE'S MOM - Do the other moms need to get botox to keep up with this fine ass? The answer is yes.

ABBY LEE MILLER - That wasn't going to be my question. At all.

CATHY, VIVI-ANNE'S MOM  -  Sorry. It just felt like a good time to say it.

ABBY LEE MILLER  - My question is - do you want living, breathing daughters? Or do you want to WIN COMPETITIONS?


ABBY LEE MILLER - Yes. And that's why you are Abby Lee Moms, and not moms at some other fat-ass stupid studio.


ABBY LEE MILLER  - Now let's go to that capital of kiddie dance recitals... Rhode Island!


At Dance Explosion Erection Eruption Mania in Providence, Rhode Island...

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - Ok, time to shine! I love you, angel. This is an important lesson about what it takes to be number one.

MADDIE - But why do I need lessons if I'm going to be dead?

MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - Shhh, don't question mommy.

**Girls dance and die, to the audience's delight**

ANNOUNCER - And in first place, with their poignant narrative about death - Abby Lee Miller Studios!

MOMS - We did it!!!!

ANNOUNCER - Can we get some janitors up in here to clean up this mess?

KELLY, BROOKE'S  MOM -  Who wants to go to Buffalo Wild Wings to celebrate with some Jamaican Jerk Mild?

OTHER MOMS - I do! I do!

ABBY LEE MILLER - Sorry, ladies. I've got plenty of eating to do before the janitors show up.

HOLLY, NIA'S MOM - Oh, Abby - you are too much.

ABBY LEE MILLER  - Not kidding, but whatever. Save me some potato wedges.


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