The Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 1 - "There's No Place Like Home"

Patti's back, and with a new face! photo - bravotv.com

MICHAEL DONNELLAN -  I like tests.

GARY MANCUSO - I like boats.

PATTI STANGER - Somebody get me a meeting with Dos Equis, I think I got two new spokesmen for their commercials. Jesus fuckin' christ, why are the only people with a million dollars either boring as shit or have a sex swing?

MICHAEL DONNELLAN - I have a sex swing, too.

PATTI STANGER -  Oh, fabulous. Well, here are four chicks I picked off the street. One has fucked the entire starting line-up of the Lakers, one fucked cows on her farm growing up, one loves fucking on boats, and the other puts make-up on people's faces.

DESTIN - Not a bad crew, IMO.

PATTI STANGER - Shut up, Destin. Gary, who's it gonna be?

GARY MANCUSO - The boat one intrigues me, but I'll take the Asian. Doing it with her will mean I have vicariously slept with Shannon Brown.

PATTI STANGER - Are you sure you don't have a sex swing, too, freak-ass?

GARY MANCUSO -  It's more like a bench.

PATTI STANGER - Fantastic. Michael, which one of these whorey losers would you like to frighten this evening?

MICHAEL DONNELLAN - Tami. She's been to Greece n' stuff.

PATTI STANGER  - Ok, have fun, but whatever you do, don't turn your date into a photo shoot.

MICHAEL DONNELLAN -  Sure thing. **to Tami** Girl, I'm gonna take pictures of you dressed like Stevie Nicks coming out of the Bat Mobile.

PATTI STANGER -  I heard that. You're out of the Millionaire's Club.

MICHAEL DONNELLAN - Good. Your club is stupid, anyway.

PATTI STANGER - OUTTA MY OFFICE!!!

MICHAEL DONNELLAN - What an original way to end an episode.

PATTI STANGER - Sometimes I say "THIS IS MY HOUSE!", instead.

MICHAEL DONNELLAN  - Well, go fuck yourself, whore. Shit! I meant to say that in Italian to class it up.

PATTI STANGER  - We can do a second take, if you want.

MICHAEL DONNELLAN - Yes, I'd like that.

GARY MANCUSO  - Um, Patsy?

PATTI STANGER -   It's Patti.

GARY MANCUSO - Patsy, Patti, Potato, Potahto. Asian Blonde and I would like to take a ride in a helicopter now.

ASIAN BLONDE -  Excuse me. I have a name.

GARY MANCUSO  -  You do?

ASIAN BLONDE -  No, just kidding.

PATTI STANGER -  A helicopter ride? What is this, The Bachelor?

GARY MANCUSO - God, I love that show.

PATTI STANGER - Me too. Here's a twenty, buy yourselves a pair of ponchos. It's supposed to rain.

GARY MANCUSO - Thanks, ma!  

PATTI STANGER - Call me "ma" again and I'll cut a hole in your yacht, or whatever people do to vandalize yachts. Now you crazy kids have fun.


THE END