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| A "casting agent" scouts in Pittsburgh, the nation's hotbed of young, promising talent. photo - lifetime.com |
At the Studio...
ABBY LEE - Girls and Moms, please welcome Cesar, Broadway's top casting agent!
CESAR - Actually, I just sat in once on auditions for Kiss Me, Kate at the Broadway Playhouse in White Plains...
ABBY LEE - And he's looking for the next big star!
CESAR - If by "star" you mean someone whose hair I can perm for practice, then yes, I am looking for a star.
ABBY LEE - Of all the places in the world, Cesar chose Pittsburgh just to see you girls dance!
CESAR - Well, I'm mainly in town to check on my grandma. See, she slipped and fell on some spilled jello mold, the kind with the fruit pieces in it? And -
ABBY LEE - So stick those ta-tas out, and show him what you got!
CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Mr. Cesar, this is Chloe. She is a million times better than She Who Will Not Be Named But Is Inexplicably Favored By Abby Lee.
CESAR - Hi Chloe, can you show me how you "Superman That Ho'"?
CHLOE - I'm not sure if I know that dance...
CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - Ok, her name is Maddie! She Who Will Not Be Named is Maddie! Every day when I wake up, all I think about is Maddie! Whenever I see a knife, there's Maddie again. I love her and want to kill her, all at the same time!
ABBY LEE - **pulling Christi out of the room** Alrighty, let's move it along, Christi.
CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - MADDIE! I love you! Drown yourself in the Monongahela with meeeeeee!!!!
ABBY LEE - Remember that document you signed? Keep it up and Officer Caruthers will be here within the hour.
CHRISTI, CHLOE'S MOM - This is for you, Maddie! "I can't liiiiive, if living is without youuuuuu"...
ABBY LEE - **closes door behind Christi** So sorry about that, Cesar. As a big time New Yorker, surely you've seen crazier crazies around Times Square.
CESAR - I live in White Plains.
ABBY LEE - Is that "uptown" or "downtown"? See, I know the lingo. Ok, building up to Maddie, here is her sister, Mackenzie.
CESAR - Hi darlin'. Can you sing "Hold It Against Me" by Miss Britney Spears?
MACKENZIE - **shakes head**
CESAR - Aw, c'mon, just the verse about feeling like paradise?
MACKENZIE - **shakes head**
ABBY LEE - **grabs Mac by the ear, huddles up the dancers** Girls, let me tell you something. The answer is always "yes". If Cesar tells you to roll around in elephant excrement, what's the answer?
DANCERS - YES!
ABBY LEE - If a man asks you to get in his van to try the candy cigarettes he brought home from Thailand, what do you say?
DANCERS - YES!
ABBY LEE - If you're on vacation with mom and dad and a dolphin swims up and offers to take you around the world -
MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - Um, Abby Lee? Can Maddie go on now?
ABBY LEE - Oh. Yeah. Cesar, we've got a special treat for you. Our team fav is going to dance to a song about candy that's intended to include a candy prop, but she's not going to use said prop.
CESAR - What a treat!
ABBY LEE - Was that a pun?
CESAR - Yes, I think so.
ABBY LEE - Delightful. HIT IT!
MADDIE - **dances good n' stuff**
CESAR - Maddie, you've got real talent. And if I could go back to 2007 and re-sit in on the summer stock auditions for Hello, Dolly at the Sweet Apple Theater in New Paltz, I'd tell the actual casting director to consider putting you in the chorus.
ABBY LEE - WE DID IT!!!!!
MELISSA, MADDIE'S MOM - Look out world, Maddie's gonna take you by the horns!
ABBY LEE - This is motherfuckin' AWESOME news!!!!
CESAR - Well, I gotta go check on my grandma now... She's been laying in her own filth for a few days, so... **leaves**
OFFICER CARUTHERS - **enters** There's a blond lady in the parking lot hurling herself over a sword, saying something about "Maddie's honor"?
ABBY LEE - Oh, just ignore her.
OFFICER CARUTHERS - K. Do you have any more of those hard candies I like?
ABBY LEE - In the office.
OFFICER CARUTHERS - Thanks, hon.
THE END.
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