Monday, September 26, 2011

Millionaire Matchmaker Episode 7 - "Helping the Self-Helpers"

This little piggy had twin baby girls. photo -

PATTI STANGER - Do you have kids?

STEVE G. JONES - Well, I had kids.

PATTI STANGER - So they're dead.


PATTI STANGER - So DCFS took them away when they found them flailing in fecal matter on the kitchen floor.


PATTI STANGER - So they're lost at sea with Bethenny Frankel.

STEVE G. JONES - No. I adopted them and gave them up when I got divorced.

PATTI STANGER - Oh, that's all? Shouldn't be a problem. You're a millionaire.

Steve tells date Sally his story....

SALLY - What the FUCK?

STEVE G. JONES  - You don't understand.

SALLY - Fuckin' A I don't understand. How do you give up your kids?

STEVE G. JONES  -  I mean, they weren't my real kids. They were adopted.

SALLY - Sorry to keep saying fuck, but do you realize how fucked up that is?

STEVE G. JONES -  You don't know my ex-wife.

SALLY - Yeah. I'm going to go now. **leaves**

PATTI STANGER -  I don't get it, dude. Other than willingly signing away parental rights to the children you promised to raise, you're a total catch.

STEVE G. JONES -  I know, right? Women.

PATTI STANGER  - Yeah. Women. Here, nestle your face in my bosom.

STEVE G. JONES - **cries in Patti's ample bosom** Thanks. I needed that.

At the spa with Christian motivational speaker Gary Coxe...

GARY COXE - Welcome to our date. I'm going to pamper you with slightly unorthodox spa treatments.

JENNIFER - Oh yeah? Like what?

GARY COXE - First, I'll massage your womb with Gold Bond to prepare it to carry our baby twin girls.

JENNIFER - Ooooo kaaaay....

GARY COXE - Then, I'll remove the dead skin off the bottom of your feet with my teeth. The carrier of my baby twin girls has got to have the smoothest of feet.

JENNIFER - Allll riiiiight...

GARY COXE - Next, I'll remove all of your body hair with a piece of duct tape. We wouldn't want our twin baby girls to get scratched from stubble.

JENNIFER - I don't have any body hair.

GARY COXE  - Shhh. And then, for the grand finale, I'll caress your lips with this dead leaf.

JENNIFER  - What will that do for our baby twin girls?

GARY COXE - Huh? Nothing. Geez, you seem a little obsessed with baby twin girls. It's kind of creepy.


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