Thursday, September 15, 2011

Dance Moms Episode 10 - "Cathy Brings It On"

Kids in bikini tops perform dances for adults. photo -

At Candy Apples Dance Studio in Canton, OH.... 
CATHY - Alright, kids. This is it. Candy Apples is going to make Abby Lee Studio KICK APPLES!

**Vivi-Anne and Justice play Go Fish** 

CATHY  -  Did you hear that? Kick apples? Get it?

**Vivi-Anne and Justice continue to play Go Fish**

CATHY - Ok, let's practice. For every Grand Jeté Maddie throws out, we'll give 'em two sets of wiggling jazz hands!

****Vivi-Anne and Justice continue to play Go Fish, start to remove articles of clothing**

CATHY- And for every quadruple fouetté, we'll rack up five patty cakes!

**Vivi-Anne and Justice show each other their privates** 

CATHY  - And for every back handspring ending in a split, we'll rock a shimmy and a poorly-formed somersault! Hey. Hey! HEY! Vivi! Don't touch Justice there! Christ.

At I-Robot Hollywood Competition in Los Angeles...

ABBY LEE MILLER - Girls, we're in Los Angeles, home of the most famous dancers in the world that used be married to more famous people, like Chris Judd and Kevin Federline.


ABBY LEE MILLER  - Which one of you will backup dance for a Xanax addict, impregnate them, and then shop your own reality show that even Oxygen rejects? Let's look at the pyramid and see.

MADDIE - It's me!

ABBY LEE MILLER - That's right, sweet fruit of my loins.


ABBY LEE MILLER - Melissa's fucking her boyfriend at a space-themed motel for the weekend, so I'm Mama. Isn't that what mothers say? "Sweet fruit of my loins?"

SHANGELA - **enters** Laquifa. WHAT?!

ABBY LEE MILLER - Everybody, meet Shangela, star of "RuPaul's Drag Race!"

SHANGELA  - WHAT?! That's my catchphrase. Kind of like "Show Me The Money."

NIA - Are you a lady or a man?

SHANGELA - I am a drag queen. That's a man who dresses up like an aging Charlotte Russe enthusiast.

KELLY, PAIGE'S MOM - I've never seen a drag queen before.

SHANGELA  - Lemme guess - Pittsburgh?

KELLY, PAIGE'S MOM - That's amazing!

SHANGELA - Just a hunch. You, black girl. You're going to do this. **plays dead on the ground for five minutes** And that's all the wisdom I have to impart. Peace!  **exits**

ABBY LEE MILLER  - Ain't she somethin'? Speaking of death, Maddie, your piece is about a five-year old girl that is fondled by her Bulgarian step-dad, so she drowns herself in a foot of standing water that has accumulated behind her double wide.

MADDIE - Cool!

ABBY LEE MILLER - That's our Maddie. Down for whatever. Have that same attitude with boys in high school, and you will go far.

KELLY, PAIGE'S MOM - What about my girls?

ABBY LEE MILLER - I dunno. Take 'em to Adam Lambert's choreographer or something.

**Paige locks herself in the bathroom crying**

ABBY LEE MILLER - What's her problem?

KELLY, PAIGE'S MOM - She really hates Adam Lambert. It's the cape, I think.

CATHY - **enters carrying a basket of apples**  Candy Apples in the heezy!

ABBY LEE MILLER - What the fuck!?

CATHY - I thought I'd take a jaunt out to LA to show the kids the site of the OJ murders.... And in the meantime, murder you!  Bring it, kids!

**Vivi-Anne and Justice pull down their pants**

CATHY -  Ok, that is not what we practiced.

ABBY LEE MILLER  - See that, girls? That's why we Pennsylvanians look down on the entire state of Ohio.

CATHY  - Fuck you, Abby Lee! FUCK YOU! We've got the childhood home of William Howard Taft! PRESIDENT WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT! **Leaves**

ABBY LEE MILLER - Alright, it's time to perform. Girls, go dance this one for my mother that's about to die. No pressure or anything.

**the girls dance and lose**

ABBY LEE MILLER  - Well, it's good to see you all care about my mom dying. NOT. Ungrateful pieces of shit.


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