Thursday, July 21, 2011

The Challenge: Rivals Episode 5 - "Ill Communication"

TJ LAVIN - You know that ride at Six Flags, the water one where you sit in a round yellow boat next to a forty-eight year old Guatemalan woman in a bikini top?

MIKE MIKE - Where I come from, it's an alcoholic Appalachian mechanic in cut offs.

TJ LAVIN - Same diff. Your challenge for today is to brave the rapids while Maria Menounos, hard-hitting Greek journalistic who sometimes wears glitter eye shadow, asks difficult questions.

CT - That doesn't sound so bad. I love gyros.

TJ LAVIN - I'm not done. It will actually be the forty-eight year old Guatemalan woman in a bikini top who will sit next to you and be fed the questions in an ear piece by Maria Menounos.

WES - Wow, high concept challenge.

TJ LAVIN - Aren't they all, though? Adam, have a seat in the boat next to Carmen, aka "Maria Menounos For a Day", and I'll strap you in.  

ADAM - Hello, Carmen. 

CARMEN - Uno momento **listens to ear piece** Ah, gracias. **To Adam** Hello.  


CARMEN - **getting fed questions from Maria in ear piece** So, Adam, what was it like touching Jen's boob?

ADAM - Wonderful and gelatinous.

CARMEN - **gets splashed by wave**  Huh. Bet you wished there was this kind of moisture when you hooked up.

ADAM  - Huh?

CARMEN  -  She was blacked out and said it might have been the worst sexual experience she ever had. That's what Maria Menounos is telling me, anyway.

ADAM  - TJ! I want off! These women are brutal!

TJ LAVIN - Ok, fine. That didn't last long. Nice job, Carmen.

CARMEN  - Gracias.

TJ LAVIN - Jasmine, it's your turn in the hot seat, or shall I say, "wet seat".

JASMINE - Ew, it smells like a sweaty family of eight from Wisconsin died on this boat.

CARMEN - Jasmine, do you feel guilty for almost getting your partner kicked off the show?

JASMINE  - We're a team. What's mine is hers.

CARMEN - Really? Well, she said not only are you not as pretty as her, but you are bad at sports.

JASMINE  - What!?

CARMEN -- Yep. That's just what she said. Oop, here comes a big wave. Hold on.

JASMINE - **voluntarily jumps ship when rapid comes** Fuck that Carmen bitch.

TJ LAVIN  - That's actually Maria Menounos...

JASMINE - I don't get it, but fuck her, too.

TJ LAVIN - Sarah, you can handle this, right?

SARAH - Sure, no prob. I'm a true competitor.

CARMEN - Nice tats.

SARAH  -  Thanks.

CARMEN - But Katelynn said they're ugly, and that when she went in for gender reassignment surgery, she specifically requested that they make her look like any woman but Sarah Rice.

SARAH  - Really?

CARMEN  -  Yep. How does that make you feel?

SARAH - Not good.

CARMEN -  Yeah, she also said she's better at puzzles than you.

SARAH - Now that's crossing the god damn line.

CARMEN - Hey, wanna get funnel cake at that stand near Batman?

SARAH  - No. No I do not. **jumps off boat**  You The Challenge challenge creators have really outdone yourselves with this one.

EVAN - You think that's bad? Maria Menounos-slash- forty-eight year old Guatemalan woman in a bikini top asked me what's it like to have the beefiest belly in Ontario.

KENNY - She asked me me why I smell like expired mortadella.

TYLER - Oh yeah? Bitch, er, bitches, asked me if I'd ever bare-back Johnny Bananas.

TJ LAVIN - Ok, even I agree that's not cool.  Good news is, we've lost track of her and she's floating off to sea.

PAULA WALNUTS - How'd you find someone willing to ask such awful questions?

TJ LAVIN  - Craigslist.

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