Monday, July 25, 2011

Keeping Up with the Kardashians Episode 5 - "Kendall Goes on Birth Control"

KIM KARDASHIAN - Khloe - there's red shit all over my ankle!

KHLOE KARDASHIAN - Are you more concerned that your shit is red, or that it's on your ankle? 'Cause both are kind of worrisome.

KIM KARDASHIAN - No, it's, like, a rash.

KHLOE KARDASHIAN  - Maybe it's rug burn?

KIM KARDASHIAN - What would I be doing on a rug? This isn't the Seventies.

KHLOE KARDASHIAN - No, I meant - in a sexual way.

KIM KARDASHIAN  - I know. Doing sex stuff on a rug is about as hip as the Bee Gees. Besides, I only have hardwood floors.

KHLOE KARDASHIAN -  You have a rug in your upstairs bathroom.

KIM KARDASHIAN -  Yeah, but it's plush.

KHLOE KARDASHIAN  -  But what about in those rare cases you get amorous somewhere with institution-style carpeting -

KIM KARDASHIAN -  Ok, enough. It's not rug burn.

KHLOE KARDASHIAN   - So what is it?

KIM KARDASHIAN - Not sure, but I'm frightened. I guess I'll do what I always do when I have a problem, big or small.


KIM KARDASHIAN  - No, go see Mommy directly so the problem gets taken care of faster.

At the Jenner table...

KRIS JENNER -   Dear heavenly father, please let tomorrow's commercial shoot go off without a hitch, and bless the babies in Haiti.

KHLOE KARDASHIAN - That earthquake was over a year ago. You really need to update your prayer.

KRIS JENNER - Fine. Bless the Tsunami victims in Thailand.

KYLIE JENNER - That was two tsunamis ago.

KRIS JENNER - Whatever! Get off my case! Kendall's on birth control pills!



KHLOE KARDASHIAN  - Use a condom, too.

KIM KARDASHIAN - **bursts in the door** Moooooommmmmy! I have a raaaaaaash!

KRIS JENNER - Rug burn?

KIM KARDASHIAN  - No! I only have hardwood floors, and it's not the Seventies!

KRIS JENNER - What about the rug in your upstairs bathroom?

KIM KARDASHIAN - It's plush!

KRIS JENNER - Ok, must be psoriasis.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Omg, I have a shoot tomorrow where I have to run around in a sports bra!

KRIS JENNER -  Good news. Your photo shoot tomorrow is for psoriasis awareness.

KIM KARDASHIAN - But how did they know I have it?

KRIS JENNER - They didn't. The casting call was for someone with a big fat ass to run around in a sports bra - they figured that would bring more awareness to psoriasis than actual psoriasis ever could.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Advertising wizards, they are.

KRIS JENNER - So suit up, and knock 'em dead.

KIM KARDASHIAN - Thanks, mommy! **runs off**

KENDALL JENNER - I'm done eating. Gotta go - a boy from school wants to meet me for sex.

KRIS JENNER - Bring a sweater. Phew, ten percent from psoriasis commercial, here I come!

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