Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Bachelorette Episode 8

"Ames and the Giant Magnolia Tree", by Roald Dahl. photo-abc.com

In Chadd's Ford, PA...

AMES BROWN - Did you enjoy our time under the magnolia tree?

ASHLEY HEBERT - It was nice.

AMES BROWN -  I love sitting under the magnolia tree. Smelling magnolia, seeing magnolia, feeling magnolia.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Yep. It was... Pretty cool.

AMES BROWN - Ah.... magnolia tree. **breathes deeply** HEY! Look who has emerged from our humble cottage in the hollow!  My sensible yet terrifying sister.

SISTER AMES- Ashley, would you like to have a fireside chat?


SISTER AMES - Well, you're contractually obligated to, so grab a poker and pop a squat.

ASHLEY HEBERT  - Will do. **does as she is told, because Sister Ames is scary** 

SISTER AMES - So... What the fuck? My brother looks at you like he looked at his Harvard admissions letter. Not the first one that told him he was wait-listed, but the other one.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Ames is soooo sweet.

SISTER AMES - Yeah. We know. So are you gonna make big foreheaded babies or what?

ASHLEY HEBERT - I don't know. I'm not sure I feel that... spark.

SISTER AMES - Well, you better start fucking feeling it. Or I will come after you and toss you into this roaring July fire.

ASHLEY HEBERT -  I'll definitely feel a spark then!


SISTER AMES  - Was that a joke?


SISTER AMES  -  It wasn't funny. Have sex with my darling nerd bro, or I you're dunzo. Capice?

ASHLEY HEBERT  - **salutes** Aye aye, cap'n.

SISTER AMES -  Shut the fuck up. You are not funny.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Sorry.       

In Sonoma, CA...

BEN FLAJNIK - So, if my WASP-alicious mom doesn't like you, your ass is back to eating cream cheese.

ASHLEY HEBERT  - They don't really make the cream cheese in Philly.

BEN FLAJNIK - Ok, you're back to running up the Rocky stairs.

ASHLEY HEBERT  - Only tourists really do that...

BEN FLAJNIK  - Fine. You're back to buying produce at the Italian market.

ASHLEY HEBERT  - I shop at Giant.

BEN FLAJNIK - You know what I mean. Ah, look. It's my mother and my sister.

ASHLEY HEBERT - **to sister** OMG! You exactly look like Khloe Kardashian!

SISTER BEN - **upset** The FAT one?!?!

MOTHER BEN - Yeah, this isn't going to work.


BEN FLAJNIK - Sorry, Ash. There's a $75 shuttle that'll take you to SFO.

SISTER BEN - Say hi to Rocky for us.

ASHLEY HEBERT - He's not real.

MOTHER BEN  - Please leave.

In Cumming, GA.... 

CONSTANTINE TZORTZIS - Welcome to my family's fusion Greek-Cypriot-Sicilian-Bulgarian-Tex-Mex restaurant.  

ASHLEY HEBERT - Sounds like it'd be a big hit in Cumming, Georgia.  

CONSTANTINE TZORTZIS - The food isn't the draw here. The gaggle of beautiful horny waitresses is. 


WAITRESS I - Constantine, you gonna do that thing with the feta to Ashley that you did to me?  

ASHLEY HEBERT - You slept with her?  

CONSTANTINE TZORTZIS - Well, we didn't really sleep...  

WAITRESS II - Hey, Big Tzortzis, what about when you poured the entire bottle of Ouzo you know where? You gonna try that with Ashley?   

CONSTANTINE TZORTZIS  - You got an infection. 

WAITRESS III - Connie, babe, you should def try that move with the moussaka... I'll never look at bechamel sauce the same way....

CONSTANTINE TZORTZIS - Moussaka takes too long to make.  

ASHLEY HEBERT  - So have you had sexual relations with ALL these waitresses?  


ASHLEY HEBERT  - Oh... I thought you were gonna soften the delivery of your answer a little bit... 


ASHLEY HEBERT  - Maybe tell me that you haven't done it with the one in her late seventies?  

CONSTANTINE TZORTZIS - Nope. Her, too. Late-onset menopause.   

ASHLEY HEBERT - Well, um thanks for taking me here, I guess?  


ASHLEY HEBERT - Um, no thank you.    

On Long Island, NY....
MOTHER JORDAN PAUL - Oy, bubelah, welcome to Long Island.  


JP ROSENBAUM - It's Yiddish.  

MOTHER JORDAN PAUL - I'm getting the shpilkes in my pupik just meeting you!  


JP ROSENBAUM  - She's so anxious to meet you.  

MOTHER JORDAN PAUL  - We've all been going meshugana. What a shayna punim! 

ASHLEY HEBERT -  Excuse me?  

JP ROSENBAUM- They've been going nuts preparing for you,  and you have a pretty face. 

MOTHER JORDAN PAUL -  JP, you're a Big Macher with this one! Here, have a nosh on gefilte fish

ASHLEY HEBERT - Ok, I have no idea what the fuck is going on. Since, I can't communicate, I'm just gonna go. **leaves**  

MOTHER JORDAN PAUL  - Phew, the shiksa is out with the chazeray.

JP ROSENBAUM - Mom! She's not garbage!

MOTHER JORDAN PAUL  - Sorry. Matzo ball?

JP ROSENBAUM - Yeah, ok. Thanks. 

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