Thursday, July 14, 2011

The Challenge: Rivals Episode 4 - "D-Day"

Not even Bruno Mars can save us. photo

TJ LAVIN - Your task for today is to take a nap with a hammock.

KATELYNN - Sounds good. **lays down**

TJ LAVIN - Not so fast. Your task is to take a nap while wearing a banana hammock, which is slang for a tightly-fitted Speedo that accentuates your sizeable genitalia, or not-sizeable genitalia, whatever the case may be.

KATELYNN - Damn it. I knew I went to Thailand too hastily.

TJ LAVIN - Right. Never chop off your dick until you know you will not face a penis-related competition for cash prizes in the future.

TYLER - So... This is supposed to be a challenge? It's what I do every Saturday night after a few cosmos and a popper.

TJ LAVIN  - There's more. While napping, your partner has got to recite the chorus from Bruno Mars' hit song "Grenade" while their face is resting snugly in the cradle of your banana hammock.

ADAM - Wait - I've got to put my face in THAT? **points to CT's privates** CT only splashes hot water on his balls - he doesn't even use soap!

CT - Why would I want to interfere with my natural musky pheromones?

LAUREL - I'll gladly put my face in CT's crotch.

MANDI - Me too.

TJ LAVIN - Sorry, ladies. This is a male-only challenge. Banana hammock and all that jazz.

JONNA - But what about this? **points to giant strap-on** 

TJ LAVIN - Tempting, but no. Ok, Wes and Kenny... Ready, set, NAP, NUZZLE, and SING!

WES - Ah, let me just lay back here and relax...

KENNY - **lowers head, blows on a pitch pipe** Ahem.
"But you know that I'd catch a grenade for ya...
Jump in front of a plane for ya..."

TJ LAVIN - Disqualified. You forgot the part about putting your hand on a blade.


WES - Oh, Kenny. Sweet, weak, not-as-good-as-me Kenny.

KENNY -  It's true. I am nothing but a disappointment.

WES  - Yep.

KENNY -  I ought to join the cast of that other MTV show that follows the dregs of humanity from my state of origin.

WES - Yep.

KENNY - Ok, you don't have to agree with everything I say.

TJ LAVIN - Brandon, Ty, your turn.

TY - Let me take a swig of this warm milk to put me in a napping mood... Ahhhh.  **naps**

BRANDON - Hopefully there's no warm milk down by this banana hammock, if you know what I'm saying...

TJ LAVIN - Stop stalling.

"Easy come, easy go, that's the way you live,
OH, take, take, take, but-" 

TJ LAVIN - Disqualified. That's not the chorus, it's the first verse.


TJ LAVIN - It's called "following directions". Perhaps you should return to Mrs. Morrison's first grade classroom to learn more about it.

BRANDON - How do you know my first grade teacher's name?

TJ LAVIN -  Research. Ok, next up is CT and Adam.

ADAM - **Punches CT in the neck** What? It's the only way to get this guy to sleep. Here goes nothin'.
"I'd catch a grenade for ya... yeah, yeah, yeah
Throw my hand on a blade for ya... yeah, yeah, yeah
I'd jump in front of a train for ya... yeah, yeah, yeah
You know I'd do anything for ya...

Oooh whoooa whoooa..."

TJ LAVIN  - Wow. I don't know whether to be more impressed by your silky songbird voice, or the fact that you rested your head by CT's rotting junk for more than thirty seconds.

ADAM  -  It's a gift.

TJ LAVIN - **shakes CT** Wake up dude.

CT - Huh?

LAUREL - CT, you won! Wanna share gum?

MANDI - CT, you alpha male sex machine!

CT  -  Ladies, ladies. The glory belongs to my partner.

ADAM  - Really. It does.

**the women paw all over CT**

ADAM - Have I mentioned my dad is in the Commodores? He and Lionel Richie did coke together.

**the women continue to paw all over CT**

ADAM - Nobody?


ADAM - That's the last time I sing Bruno Mars lyrics while resting my head against a Speedo. The last time.


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