Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The Bachelorette Episode 7 -

Ashley contemplates how she's going to send Ryan home before he stuffs her lifeless corpse in a Taiwanese trash can. photo - abc.com

ASHLEY HEBERT - I have a fantastic idea for a date.

JP ROSENBAUM - Better than when we had to recruit non-English speaking peoples to work on a quasi-slave ship in the hot sun?

ASHLEY HEBERT - Yep. Better.

AMES BROWN - Better than when we had to manufacture "male aggression" and Muay Thai fight with the friends we'd grown to love?


LUCAS DANIELS - Better than when you made us do nice things for orphans? Cuz that sucked balls.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Better. You guys are going to pose for wedding photographs with me!



AMES BROWN - I'm feeling faint with anticipation.

ASHLEY HEBERT  - That's the spirit. Here are your groom costumes.

JP ROSENBAUM -  A tux! The one thing a Jew from Long Island can do better than Muay Thai is wear the hell out of a tux.

AMES BROWN - Hey, this looks like what my Uncle Stewart wore to his prom, when he banged three separate chicks. Ah, pre-AIDS America.

LUCAS DANIELS - Uh... What the fuck is this? A dress?!?

ASHLEY HEBERT - It's traditional Taiwanese wedding garb.

LUCAS DANIELS - Why do I have to wear the foreign stuff?

ASHLEY HEBERT - It's kind of cool, right?

LUCAS DANIELS - No, it's not. They get to wear American clothes. No fairsies!

ASHLEY HEBERT - It's fine. Really.


ASHLEY HEBERT - Well, this is a traditional outfit. Traditional in Taiwan.

LUCAS DANIELS -  Ashley, I can't wait to take you home to motherfucking ODESSA, TEXAS where nobody would dream of asking a man to wear a non-white person outfit.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Sounds like redneck Utopia. In fact, why don't you go there now?


ASHLEY HEBERT - Yeah. You freaked the fuck out when I told you guys about Bentley, you refuse to respect this other culture, and you've never even been to New York City.

LUCAS DANIELS - I went to DC on my eight-grade class trip...

ASHLEY HEBERT - Nope, not good enough.

LUCAS DANIELS - Fine! Back to Texas I go, where men are men, and women wear Kate Gosselin haircuts with pride!  **he leaves in a huff**

RYAN PARK - **enters, out of breath **Ashley, are you ok? I heard a commotion from all the way back at the hotel, figure I'd come check up on you.

ASHLEY HEBERT - You shouldn't have.

RYAN PARK - No, I'm glad I did. I also wanted to discuss environmental responsibility with you. Did you know hot water heaters are bad n' stuff?

ASHLEY HEBERT - You reeaallly shouldn't have.

RYAN PARK  - What? What's wrong? I ran as fast as I could with a smile on my face the whole time.

ASHLEY HEBERT - The thing is - I don't feel comfortable meeting your parents when I'm not very fond of what their loins have produced.

RYAN PARK   -  But - I'm a solar energy executive! And I'm blonde! And I support the troops!


RYAN PARK -  Fine. Off I go to find a new babymaker. And maybe she'll even have boobies. **leaves**

ASHLEY HEBERT  -  Phew, glad that's over. **spots something out the window** Hey - is that Constantine and Ben over at that sidewalk cafe?

JP ROSENBAUM - Not sure, there are a lot of tall, floppy-haired white guys running around Taiwan.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Are they... Kissing?

AMES BROWN - If "kissing" is another word for fondling each other's genitals in public, then yes.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Shoots. I suspected there was a spark between those two.

JP ROSENBAUM  - So are you gonna send them home? Please, please send them home, or I can't guarantee I won't kill everyone associated with this show.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Of course not. I'm a dentist. We live for this threesome shit. **she runs off**

JP ROSENBAUM  - **tinkering with explosives** If I can't have her, neither can those gay long-haired dudes.

AMES BROWN  - What are you doing?

JP ROSENBAUM  - Haven't you ever seen a jealous bald guy throw explosives at the woman he loves and her threesome participants before?

AMES BROWN  -  Do you really think that's a good - **LOUD BLAST** 


AMES BROWN -  Hope ABC has some good lawyers.

JP ROSENBAUM - Of course they do. They picked up six episodes of "How to Leave a Game Show."

AMES BROWN - True dat. True dat.


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