Sunday, March 20, 2011

Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 3 - "A New Lease on Life"

If the RHOC camera men had to pick their favorite episode to film, it would be this one. Because Jim and Alexis gave them free toast in La Jolla.

At an "exclusive" hotel in La Jolla that anyone can check into at anytime...

JIM BELLINO - Bless La Jolla, bless this resort, bless lip gloss, and bless my children, whose names I can't recall at this particular juncture. 

ALEXIS BELLINO - Oh baby, when you talk religion I just want to tie you to a chair with silk scarves, and then let you just sit there, all lazy and fat. 

NANNY - Excuse me, Mr. Jim, where is my suitcase? 

JIM BELLINO - In my room. I already took out all your underwear to sniff. Uh, I mean, to bless. 

NANNY - That's not mine. I can't afford La Perla with the 25 dollars a month you pay me. 

JIM BELLINO - Say that out loud again and I'll send your ass back to El Salvador. 

NANNY - Guatemala. 

JIM BELLINO - Potato potahto.   

ALEXIS BELLINO - Jim, can't you just pray her suitcase to appear? 

JIM BELLINO - Oh yeah, you're right. Sometimes I forget I'm the king of the household and can do anything. 

NANNY  - Please pray for it, Mr. Jim.

JIM BELLINO -  Ok, here goes. Dear Lord Jesus, send Nanny's suitcase to La Jolla so she can watch our kids while we buy watches and have sex in a closet. **something plops down from the sky**  

ALEXIS BELLINO - You did it! You're amazing! 

NANNY - That's a sack of apples. 

JIM BELLINO - It's your suitcase if I say its your suitcase. Now put on that burlap sack and take the kids to the park. 

In Palm Springs...

GRETCHEN ROSSI -  I love my gay friends. They always tell me how pretty I look. 

GAY FRIENDS - It's true, girlfriend! 

GRETCHEN ROSSI - I also love how you speak as one person. I get confused when more than one gay guy talks.  

GAY FRIENDS - Awwww snap! 

GRETCHEN ROSSI - After dinner, you both should spend four hours putting extensions in my hair. 

GAY FRIENDS - Fierce!  

SLADE SMILEY - Man, you two are living the gay dream. Breezy catch-phrases, Palm Springs, bicycles, maybe a same-sex wedding...

GAY FRIENDS  - It's still illegal, you insensitive fat ass.  

SLADE SMILEY - Whoa, touchy! Looks like I struck a gay nerve. What happened to the fun stereotypical things you say to Gretchen?

GAY FRIENDS - Shut the fuck up before we lock you in the basement with our Rottweiler.     

At Tamra's new luxurious condo... 

TAMRA BARNEY - C'mere, big boy. I've got a surprise for you. 

EDDIE JUDGE - Whoa. You're nakey. 

TAMRA BARNEY - As nakey as the day I was born.

EDDIE JUDGE - Except for a few additions...

TAMRA BARNEY - What, these ol' things? Perfectly natural. Jeez, I'm feeling extremely full after our three-course meal with Marcos. 

EDDIE JUDGE - Is it me, or do the bubbles in that bath seem a lot... bigger than usual?  

TAMRA BARNEY - Oh, um, it's this new Ramona Singer-brand bubble bath. The bubbles are made to match the size of her eyes. 

EDDIE JUDGE -  Impressive. **chugs a bottle of Merlot**

TAMRA BARNEY  - Ugh, I am soooo full. **BRAP**. 

EDDIE JUDGE - What was that? 

TAMRA BARNEY  - That was my foot rubbing against the tub. Now come to mama.  

EDDIE JUDGE - Wow. That... stench. Reminds me of the sewers in Guadalajara after the 1992 gasoline explosion.

TAMRA BARNEY - It's the candles, branded by Jill Zarin. Would you really expect them to smell any better?   

EDDIE JUDGE  - You know what I think? 

TAMRA BARNEY - That I'm the hottest housewife in Orange County? 

EDDIE JUDGE - No. I think you've been passing gas in the bath, and lying about it. 

TAMRA BARNEY - Guilty as charged. I can't get anything past you. Simon would have never figured that out. I love you. 

EDDIE JUDGE  - **heads towards the door, retching** It's been real.

TAMRA BARNEY - But what about our trip to Spain?

EDDIE JUDGE  - I heard Jo De La Rosa's free that weekend...


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