Sunday, March 6, 2011

Real Housewives of Orange County Episode 1 - "Amped Blondes and Evil Eyes"

TAMRA BARNEY - Hey, girls. I'm so glad you could take time out of your busy pedicure schedules to try on ugly clothes with pictures on them at my boyfriend's house.

ALEXIS BELLINO - It's been difficult to find time for much of anything, now that one of my nannies was deported. I only went to Big Fat Juicy Booty Boot Camp twice this week.

FERNANDA - Your absence was definitely felt. By me. Because I'm a lesbian.

TAMRA BARNEY - Uh oh, I'm getting fake-lesbian jealous, Fernanda.

FERNANDA - You're a fake-lesbian, or fake-jealous?

TAMRA BARNEY - Fake-lesbian. I'm always jelly - remember how I hate Gretchen with the passion of a newly-hired Bebe dressing room attendant?

FERNANDA - Oh, Tammy. You know I only have eyes for you.

GRETCHEN ROSSI  - Speaking of eyes, check out this super-cool black hat with an eye on it.

SALES LADY - It's our best seller to aging mean girls in the greater Mission Viejo area.

GRETCHEN ROSSI - Perfect for you, Tamra.

TAMRA BARNEY - How dare you talk to me like that at my boyfriend's house!

FERNANDA - She's right. Boyfriend's houses are sacred ground.

ALEXIS BELLINO - Not true. Pre-marital sex happens in boyfriend's houses. Jesus no likey.

TAMRA BARNEY - That's just because nobody would have pre-marital sex with Jesus. You know that dude probably smelled like sour ass-crack sweat.

ALEXIS BELLINO - Blasphemer! And p.s. - there's ass-crack sweat that's not sour? I need to change body wash brands.

VICKI GUNVALSON - You know what smells like sour ass-crack sweat? Ladera Ranch. This place is a shit hole.

ALEXIS BELLINO - Oh, it's you. I thought you'd be too busy working to show.

VICKI GUNVALSON - I said hello to you three times. One of the times I even waved my hands in front of your eyes.

ALEXIS BELLINO - My ears don't pick up Bitch Frequency. Something I learned from Jesus.

TAMRA BARNEY - Let's not change the subject of directing an evil eye baseball hat at someone in their own boyfriend's house. I want to wag my finger, but it still hurts from my session with Dr. Tattoff.

VICKI GUNVALSON - That was really an ugly tattoo. And this coming from someone with an image of Donn's penis prominently featured on her left breast.

TAMRA BARNEY - Looks like Dr. Tattoff has more business coming his way.

VICKI GUNVALSON - Are you suggesting my marriage is going to end?


VICKI GUNVALSON - Ok, it's true. Well, I'm sure Gretchen would engage you in this subject further if she hadn't passed out while rubbing down the bartender with ice cubes.

**everyone looks over to the bar to see Gretchen passed out on the shirtless bartender's shoulder, martini drool dripping from her mouth**

ALEXIS BELLINO - Shit. Jesus would NOT do that.

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