Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Real Housewives of Miami Episode 3 - "Optical Delusion"

Adriana yells at an artist for being slow at art.

ADRIANA DE MOURA - Thank you all for coming to my white room full of portraits of quasi-famous people from South Florida, including Hialeah.

LEA BLACK - Hey, is that Trick Daddy?

ADRIANA DE MOURA  - Yes, representing the 305, as he is wont to do. And do you recognize the portrait to the left?

LEA BLACK - Carol Channing?

ADRIANA DE MOURA - No, silly, that's you!

LEA BLACK - Oh. I didn't realize I had such droopy cleavage.

ADRIANA DE MOURA - Yeah, well, you do.

LARSA PIPPEN -  Where's my portrait? I'm the wife of a retired NBA player who has no connection to the state of Florida.

CRISTY RICE - Yeah. She's, like, legit. More legit than that ugly old guy in that picture.

ADRIANA DE MOURA  - That's legendary comic Jackie Gleason. You know, who the Miami Beach Performing Arts Center is named after?


ADRIANA DE MOURA  - You know... "To the moon, Alice!"

CRISTY RICE - Sorry, no comprende. Omg, do I hear music? Time to "ch ch ch" in my inappropriately loose crop top!

MARYSOL PATTON - That's not music. That's the sound of Marcos' partner screaming at Adriana for letting a French man draw and stuff.

ALEXIA ECHEVARRIA -  Yeah, fuck the French. The surgeon who put this ghastly tip on my nose studied rhinoplasty in Bruges

LARSA PIPPEN - Ugh, Bruges is the worst place in France. It is NOT cute.

LEA BLACK - Do my eyes deceive me, or  is Cristy really moving her body to rhythmic sounds after the sun's gone down?

LARSA PIPPEN - Yes, I think she might be dancing. Cute.

LEA BLACK - I'd expect that behavior from Adriana, being Brazilian and all, but Cristy?

LARSA PIPPEN  - Got a problem with that, wife of a man who's husband represented William Kennedy Smith?

LEA BLACK - No, I don't judge. Never. But she'd better not come crying to me when she ends up sucking dees under the William Powell Bridge just to pay off the mortgage on her cardboard box. But I'm not judging.

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