Monday, March 7, 2011

The Bachelor Episode 10 - "The Women Tell All"

This person is a bartender, and a huge asshole.


CHRIS HARRISON - Hello. I'm Chris Harrison, and this is "The Women Tell About How Much They Want to Disembowel One Another", sponsored by Summer's Eve.

STACEY - Thanks, Chris. It's really great to be here.

CHRIS HARRISON - Who the hell are you?

STACEY - Stacey, the 26 year-old bartender from Boston.

CHRIS HARRISON - I'm sorry - this event is only for women who appeared on The Bachelor.

STACEY - I was on the show, but spent most of my time hiding under the couch and observing everyone so I'd have the most ammo for tonight.

CHRIS HARRISON  - That's creepy as fuck.

STACEY - Ok, first off, I want to start with Michelle. You are a terrible mother.

MICHELLE MONEY - Wait... You just called me a bad mother?

STACEY - No, that's not what I said at all.

MICHELLE MONEY - Well, I think it was kind of implied. Substitute "bad" for 'terrible".

STACEY - See, America? She's delusional!

JACKIE - I have something to add.

CHRIS HARRISON - Yes, Pretty Woman? And I'm not calling you that because you're pretty. It's because brad called you a prostitute while you tried on fancy clothes.

JACKIE - Thanks, Chris. I just want to point out that Michelle said the most hurtful thing possible about the rest of us girls.

CHRIS HARRISON - That you are in dire need of Summers Eve feminine wash? Shout out to our sponsor.

JACKIE - That's a given. She said she was a woman, and we are just... Girls.


JACKIE  - Yes. I've never been so shocked and appalled.

CHRIS HARRISON - But you just referred to yourself as a girl two sentences ago.

STACEY - Who's side are you on, host man?

CHRIS HARRISON  - I just don't see the big deal. Half of you could be Brad's daughters.

STACEY - The big deal is that she's a despicable human being who just happens to be ten times more attractive and vivacious than everyone else.

CHRIS HARRISON - Stacey, please put down the paring knife that you're holding.

STACEY - What? This is just for the fruit salad I'm going to make while I wait for my turn in the hot seat.


STACEY  - Nooooo! I'm not here to make friends! I'm here to disembowel!

CHRIS HARRISON - Lock her in Terri Hatcher's dressing room, please. That will ensure we never hear from her again.

MELISSA - Can I tell my side of the story now?

CHRIS HARRISON - Guzzle a bottle of Listerine first, Onion Stank.

MELISSA - Ok. **Guzzles a bottle of Listerine** Alright, how is it now? **Breathes on Chris.** 


MELISSA - Good. I want to clear my name. I'm not a psycho cougar. I'm a bipolar insecure cougar. There's a difference.

RAICHEL - Well, then, bipolar insecure cougar, it's your fault Brad dumped me!

MELISSA - I think it's the fault of the hairy balls you spend your days waxing.

RAICHEL - Where's that fuckin' paring knife? I will make you look like Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight, but not as hot!

CHRIS HARRISON - Security!  Two for Terri Hatcher's room.  Well, we're out of time, mostly because I need to hit the green room's liquor supply.

MICHELLE MONEY - Amen, brother.

CHRIS HARRISON - We want to thank Summer's Eve for making those sticky humid fantasy dates in South Africa bearable.

ASHLEY HEBERT - Ain't that the truth.

ASHLEY S.  - But what about Brad?

CHRIS HARRISON - What about him?

ASHLEY S.  - Isn't he going to come out here and tell us we're exceptional women?

CHRIS HARRISON - Are you kidding? He's busy being in love with his new fiance. He doesn't have time to cavort with you rejects. Now somebody get me a Appletini before I kill everyone on this set.

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