Monday, March 14, 2011

The Bachelor Finale

Brad Womack owns bars and breaks hearts.

On a boat...

CHANTAL O'BRIEN - That was a great date, where sharks almost ate us.

BRAD WOMACK - I've always been told I'm a romantic.

CHANTAL O'BRIEN - What's next? Are we going to spend the night in a gang-invested South African shanty town?

BRAD WOMACK - No. I'm saving that for someone really special.

CHANTAL O'BRIEN - Fuck. I have to go back to Bellevue, huh?

BRAD WOMACK - If you think your mental condition warrants hospitalization, then you probably should.

CHANTAL O'BRIEN- I meant Bellevue, Washington, not the mental hospital. Stupid hick.

BRAD WOMACK - Yeah, so... I'm gonna go propose to Emily now.

On a cliff or some shit...

BRAD WOMACK - Miss Emily Maynard, I would be the luckiest man in the world if you and your beautiful, sweet, attractive daughter would be my wives.

EMILY MAYNARD - Yes! A thousand times ye - wait, did you say "wives"?

BRAD WOMACK - Did I stutter?

EMILY MAYNARD - And did you refer to Little Ricki, a five year-old, as "attractive?"

BRAD WOMACK - I'm from Texas, remember?

EMILY MAYNARD - Ok, when single mothers say "package deal", that's not exactly what they mean.

BRAD WOMACK - Well, it's not my fault you weren't clear. NEXT!

EMILY MAYNARD - Wrong show. 

BRAD WOMACK - Chris Harrison, get me away from this liar.

On a set at ABC Studios...

CHRIS HARRISON - Ladies and more middle-age ladies, please welcome... successful couples from seasons past!

MOLLY MALANEY - Successful? I fantasize about killing Jason's son four times a day.

JASON MESNICK - And I fantasize about calling up Melissa Rycroft forty times an hour.

ALI FEDOTOWSKY - Speak for yourselves. Roberto and I still apathetically acknowledge each other's existence on a daily basis, so we're going strong.

ROBERTO MARTINEZ - **to Molly** You ever met a real former minor-league baseball player before? I'm the real deal, sugar tits.

CHRIS HARRISON - Roberto? We can hear you.

ROBERTO MARTINEZ - Shit. I mean, I love Ali a lot, and all that stuff.

TRISTA REHN-SUTTER - **in a baby voice** Well, me and Mr. Fireman still love each other soooo much! We make babies, and love pink!

RYAN SUTTER - My advice to Bachelor contestants is come in second place, and then wait for the pussy train to come rolling in the station. Don't make the mistake I did. For the love of God. Don't win.

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