Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Real Housewives of Miami Episode 4 - "Waterfront & Center"

Sometimes you're just so in love that you have to get married this very second. Or, the groom's visa is about to expire.


At a Really Romantic Restaurant...

PHILIPPE PAUTESTA - Your country's asshole government wants to send me back to France.

MARYSOL PATTON - What are you going to do?

PHILIPPE PAUTESTA - Well, I could go back, but then you'll have to start dating a dude your own age, and he'll probably be fat, and like classic rock.

MARYSOL PATTON - I guess you have to marry me, then.

PHILIPPE PAUTESTA - That's fine, as long as I never have to kiss your lips. I'm nervous they'll secrete weird lip fluid and stain my French shirts.

MARYSTOL PATTON - Deal. We need to come up with a story so people will think we're marrying for love.

PHILIPPE PAUTESTA - I got it! You tell everyone that you've always dreamed of getting married in Aspen, but only the snowy kind of Aspen, and the snow is going to melt in two days, so we have to elope so you can have the wedding you've always wanted.

MARYSOL PATTON - Wow. You've really thought this out, haven't you?

PHILIPPE PAUTESTA - I don't want to go back to that place. They make you eat snails.

At the Pippen Estate...

LARSA PIPPEN - Oh, look, Scottie, one of of our children wants to show you his baby turtle.

SCOTTIE PIPPEN - **watching television** Which one is that?

LARSA PIPPEN - Um, not sure.

PRESTON - I'm Preston.

SCOTTIE PIPPEN - **eyes still on television** Right, Preston. Pretty rabbit.

PRESTON - It's a turtle. Her name is Terry. Say "hi."

SCOTTIE PIPPEN - Huh. Oh. Hi, little guy.

PRESTON - It's a girl.

SCOTTIE PIPPEN - Ok, the jig up. I tried to pretend like I give a shit about you kids for as long as I could. I'm off to the 1991 anniversary game in Chicago.

LARSA PIPPEN - You're going to leave me here? With them?

SCOTTIE PIPPEN - Get a nanny. Preferably a Hungarian 21-year-old. I'm off to pick up Polish chicks on Rush Street with Michael.

At the Black estate...

CRISTY RICE - But I'm friends with someone named Luqui. That alone should grant me free entrance to every fundraiser in town.

LEA BLACK - Gloria Estefan has four friends named Luqui. And even she paid.

CRISTY RICE - Are you wearing... a tie-dye tube dress?

LEA BLACK - Yeah? What of it?

CRISTY RICE - Nothing. Just trying to change the subject.

LEA BLACK - Oh. Well, it's from this boutique on Lincoln Road, and I tried it on over a pair of "mom-cut" corduroys, and - HEY! I'm not falling for that!

CRISTY RICE - Sorry, it was worth a shot. So, about that invoice...

LEA BLACK - I can take cash or check - they'll both fit snugly in the space between my breasts.

CRISTY RICE - There is something that fits snugly in the space between your breasts? I could drive my Hummer through that thing. 

LEA BLACK  - Talk to me in forty-six years, when you're my age. In the mean time, children in Key Biscayne are starving and need the proceeds from my charity event.

CRISTY RICE - I'd pay you, but I... spent it all on coke. I'm sorry.

LEA BLACK - I've soooo been there, honey. **crumples up invoice** Just pay next time.

Adriana De Moura
Alexia Echevarria
Lea Black
Marysol Patton
Cristy Rice
Larsa Pippen

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