Saturday, January 25, 2020

Catfish, Season 8, Episode 2 - "Alfred & Adonis"

Nev and Kamie skye with Alfred's brother...

ALFRED'S BROTHER - Nev, my brother left his partner of six years to be with Adonis. 

NEV - The Greek God of Desire? Hell, who wouldn't?

ALFRED'S BROTHER - No, that's just his name. He's actually a retired army cadet with a penchant for men in visors. 

NEV - Oh. 

ALFRED'S BROTHER - Alfred's throwing his happy life away for a stranger! 

NEV - Let's talk to him. 

ALFRED - **appears on camera** Hi. I'm Alfred. And I'm very unhappy in my life. 

ALFRED'S BROTHER - Ok, so I got one little detail wrong.

Nev and Kamie drive up to Alfred's house in Sanford, North Carolina...

KAMIE - Remember when we had to stay in that shitty hotel with only one desk chair? 

NEV - Remember how we have the second-lowest MTV budget next to "Young and Pregnant"? 

KAMIE - Touche. 

NEV - Before we get out of the car, let me house this manatee-sized dark Kit Kat. It's that time of the month. 

KAMIE - Nev, they're out here waiting. 

NEV - FUCK! I JUST WANT TO EAT MY FUCKING GODDMAN COCOA TREAT! **exits the car** Hello, so lovely to meet you all.

ALFRED - It appears that word is all over Sanford, North Carolina that you guys are in town. This is so embarrassing.

NEV -  I don't see what's embarrassing about people you have to see regularly knowing that you're gullible and desperate enough to form a "relationship" with someone on the internet who doesn't exist.


NEV - Look on the bright side. You get to appear on a network that airs "Ex on a Peak."

After extensive research at the Red Roof Inn...

KAMIE - Let's call this Dom guy. 

NEV - Looks like he's already Facebook videochatting us.

KAMIE - That's a thing? 

DOM - **on camera**  Whoa, Is it really you? 

NEV - Yes. **smiles smugly** Yes, it is. 

DOM - The Bazinga guy from the science sitcom? 

NEV - No, I'm Nev from Catfish. You twat.

DOM - Bummer. 

NEV -  Listen, are you fucking with a guy named Alfred? 

DOM - Once met an Arnold on Grindr. 

NEV - And we've got a lead!

KAMIE - Nev, this is not a lead

NEV - . Hey, who's been the expert in making high-quality television for over six years?

KAMIE - Ummm. the Bazinga guy? 

NEV - Fuck you.

Alfred's ex Antonnio confronts Alfred on Alfred's front lawn...

ANTONNIO - Hey, I heard Catfish is in town. 

ALFRED - This is North Carolina. Someone's always serving catfish. 

ANTONNIO - Oh, you think that's cute? Always acting like an ass. 

ALFRED - I will knock that visor off your head, dick! 


ALFRED -  I will! Besides, that's my visor! Another thing I hate about you, always raiding my damn closet!

ANTONNIO -  I AM ADONIS! **record scratch** 

ALFRED - What did you say?  

NEV - Oh no. This is bad.

Kamie and Nev sit down with Antonnio to get the scoop...

KAMIE - So why did you catfish your own partner? 

ANTONNIO - He wanted oral sex at least once a month. I'm not a machine! 

NEV - Damn, dude's got the libido of Dame Judi Dench. 

ANTONNIO - Right?! It's like, chill, bro! 

ALFRED - **walks in** Look, Antonnio. It's your favorite visor on me. 

ANTONNIO -  The turquoise one? Aw.

NEV - Can't you guys work this out? Move all the kids back into Antonnio's?

ALFRED -  I don't see why not. 

KAMIE - Well, the person who's supposed to be your biggest advocate and most trusted partner lied to you and deceived you into thinking -    

NEV - Shhhhh. Like, I said, high-quality television.

ANTONNIO -  I love you, Alfred.

ALFRED -  I love you, "Adonis". **winks**

The End. 

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