Saturday, January 11, 2020

Catfish, Season 8, Episode 1 - "Red & Jalissa"

Nev meets his partner for the episode...

NEV SCHULMAN - I'm going to be honest. When production told me you were this episode's partner, I had to google you.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - When my agent told me I was going to be on Catfish, I had to google it to confirm it's still on the air.


KAMIE CRAWFORD - So where's the Silver Fox?


KAMIE CRAWFORD - The gray haired dude. Mel, or whatever.

NEV SCHULMAN - I don't know who you're talking about.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - Nev, it's ok. **hugs him** Let it out.

NEV SCHULMAN - **weeps** It's... so... hard.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - He's always around. In your heart. 

NEV SCHULMAN - You're really wise, for someone in your twenties. I mean, I'm in my twenties, too, but, like, later than you twenties.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - You sure play fast and loose with the definition of a decade.

NEV SCHULMAN - 39 is the new 27.

They sit down at the Value Inn in Bellflower, California...

NEV SCHULMAN - So, today we got a message from a friend of a friend of a friend of someone named Red.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - Chick's got a lot of friends.

NEV SCHULMAN - Once you see her scarlet track suit, you'll see why. **shows pic**

KAMIE CRAWFORD - Ok, that's fly.

NEV SCHULMAN - Red is in love with Tamar Braxton.

KAMIE CRAWFORD -  Wait. **looks at the email** It says here she's in love with Tamar Braxton's hairstylist.  

NEV SCHULMAN - What?! We're really scooping the bottom of the instagram barrel here. Can't we at least get JLaw's cobbler?

KAMIE CRAWFORD -  **shows a pic of Tamar's hair**

NEV SCHULMAN - Ah, ok. That hairstylist deserves all the poon she wants.

They meet up with Red at a salon...

HAIRSTYLIST - Hello. I'm Toni Braxton's hairstylist.

NEV SCHULMAN - We have it on good authority that you're Catfishing my friend here.

HAIRSTYLIST - **sees Kami** Well, HELLO.

NEV SCHULMAN - No, not her. Her. **points to Red**

RED - Hi.

HAIRSTYLIST - Not now, not ever.


KAMIE CRAWFORD - Nev, this is Toni's hairstylist. We're looking for Tamar's.

NEV SCHULMAN - This is all falling apart. I need Max.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - Breathe, buddy. Just breathe.

Back at the Bellflower Value Inn...

NEV SCHULMAN - Time for our extensive internet research. First, I am going to go to

KAMIE CRAWFORD - High level stuff, right here.

NEV SCHULMAN - Then, I'm going to type: "Tamar Braxton" in quotes, with the word "hairstylist."

KAMIE CRAWFORD - Christ. We're going to be here all night.

NEV SCHULMAN -  Next, I click control, c.

KAMIE CRAWFORD -  JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN PHONE. **dials Tamar's friend Shekina, talks for a minute** Uh huh. So you've never talked to a lesbian named Red? But you know who did, and it's a woman named Ashley Taylor in Austin, TX. You're the best! **hangs up** Found the Catfish.

NEV SCHULMAN - You've got a lot to learn about drawing out a story for entertainment.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - Trust me, nobody was entertained.

NEV SCHULMAN -  **starts to cry** 

KAMIE CRAWFORD -  Oh, fuck. I'm sorry, bro.

Red, Nev, and Kamie prepare to meet Ashley in a public park...

NEV SCHULMAN - Ready to meet Ms. Ashley Taylor?

RED - I'm in my scarlet track suit. Duh.

ASHLEY TAYLOR - Hey, fuckers.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - You kiss your mother with that mouth?


NEV SCHULMAN - Well, this is going well.

They follow up with Ashley a few months later via Skype...

NEV SCHULMAN - Have you come out of the closet yet?


KAMIE CRAWFORD - Good for you. That's 50% more than Nev.

NEV SCHULMAN - What about your 13,000 fake profiles?

ASHLEY TAYLOR I now have 13,000 real profiles, that each deal with a distinct aspect of my personality.

KAMIE CRAWFORD - That's a... lot of aspects.

ASHLEY TAYLOR - #10,343 is called "I was married and bored."

NEV SCHULMAN - Like the majority of people hanging out on the internet.

ASHLEY TAYLOR - Bro, the sadness of losing your best friend is, like, seeping out of your pores.

NEV SCHULMAN - **eyes well up**


NEV SCHULMAN - Sorry. I thought it would start to get easier.


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