Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Real Housewives of New York City Recap, Episode 1 - "If You Can Make It Here"

Carole Radziwill

Carole invites Heather to her photo shoot...

CAROLE RADZIWILL - Heather! I'm so glad you could take time out of your muffin top-cinching schedule to watch someone take my photo.

HEATHER THOMSON - Anything for a horse.

PHOTOGRAPHER - Miss? Please look at the camera.

HEATHER THOMSON - Now Carole, flip your hair over your shoulder and really show off that sunken collar bone.



PHOTOGRAPHER - Please look here. **gently pushes Heather with her hip**

HEATHER THOMSON - Now bend over and show us what you're not working with.

PHOTOGRAPHER - Do not bend over. At all.

CAROLE RADZIWILL  - So many prompts! It's like a night at the Marriott with Russ. 

HEATHER THOMSON - Now stick those veneers out and neiiigh.

PHOTOGRAPHER - Excuse me. I am the photographer. Not you.

HEATHER THOMSON - Excuse me. I worked with Puffy!

PHOTOGRAPHER - Nobody has called him Puffy in over ten years.


Kristen and her husband meet for apps...

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - You're late. My time is just as valuable as yours, you know.

JOSH TAEKMAN -  Except my time makes us millions of dollars. Your time costs us millions of dollars.

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - Ebay's really upped my game. **flashes her bracelet made with real strands of Elvis's pubes**

JOSH TAEKMAN - Man, Kingsley and Cash were such a mistake.

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - Their names, or actually having them?


KRISTEN TAEKMAN -  Finally, something we can agree on.

JOSH TAEKMAN - Oh, I bought you some earrings. In exchange, maybe you can ess my dee every now and then.

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - I thought that's what we hired a nanny for.

JOSH TAEKMAN - Variety is the spice of life.

Ramona and Kristen arrive at Sonja's basement house for tea...

INTERN -  Tunafish sandwich?

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - Thank you. This is quite a basement next to a parking garage you have here!

RAMONA SINGER - She's just an intern. You can ignore them like I do.

KRISTEN TAEKMAN -  Oh. **hundreds of interns stare at them from against walls**

RAMONA SINGER - Sonja! We're here!

INTERN - Miss Morgan is having her crack waxed by an unpaid intern.

KRISTEN TAEKMAN -  Is this even legal?

SONJA MORGAN -  Oh, hello! Sorry I'm late. I was having my crack -

RAMONA SINGER - Waxed by an unpaid intern. We heard.

SONJA MORGAN - I pay them in experience.

MINISTER LADY - The universe is a bundle of experiential experiences from which we can glean deeper profound meaning.

SONJA MORGAN - Who let this nut in here?

RAMONA SINGER -  I thought she was your friend?

SONJA MORGAN - Never seen her in my life. Intern, remove it! **intern escorts the minister off the property** So, Aviva is ready to be friends.

RAMONA SINGER - I'll be friends when her leg grows back.

SONJA MORGAN -  She's really trying! Haven't you ever heard of second chances?

RAMONA SINGER - No! Fuck her!

KRISTEN TAEKMAN - **yawns** Intern person? Can you fill this tea cup with Malört?

Aviva and Ramona meet up to mend fences...

AVIVA DRESCHER - I noticed at the party how beautiful you looked.

RAMONA SINGER - Are you sucking on my ass? You're sucking on my ass.

AVIVA DRESCHER  - No! I would never, um, "suck on your ass." Tequila shot?

RAMONA SINGER - What? You drink now?

AVIVA DRESCHER  - Oh, yes. I'm a party girl, in a party world.

IMAGE CONSULTANT - **whispers in Aviva's ear**  You're doing great. Now make an off-color joke about swallowing.

AVIVA DRESCHER  - I love to swallow!

IMAGE CONSULTANT - Not  the best, but I've heard worse.


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