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| Artis. |
Nev and Max skype with Artis...
ARTIS - I'm Artis. My parents were both failed watercolor painters, so they left out the "T".
NEV SCHULMAN - That's actually a super sad story.
ARTIS - I live in Woodstock, Illinois.
MAX JOSEPH - Now THAT is a super sad story.
ARTIS - Groundhog Day was filmed here. So fuck you.
MAX JOSEPH - Hey - are those children fighting with sticks in the background?
NEV SCHULMAN - He's clearly a single dad. Give him a break.
ARTIS - Yes, those are children fighting with sticks, and no, I am not a single dad.
NEV SCHULMAN - So you contacted us even though you're in a relationship? Max and I want NO part of this sick charade.
ARTIS - We haven't had sex in over a year.
MAX JOSEPH - We'll track down Jess as soon as humanly possible.
At the Around The Clock Diner...
ARTIS - Thanks for meeting me here. This is where I come to think on all those nights I'm not having sex.
MAX JOSEPH - On that note, Server, I'll have the foot-long Frankfurter.
ARTIS - Here's a photo of Jess. She's lives in Marengo.
MAX JOSEPH - Holy smokes. Let's Maren-Go find her right now!
ARTIS - Not so fast. She has a very controlling boyfriend.
NEV SCHULMAN - Controlling how?
ARTIS - He gets mad when she tries to have sex with men she meets on the internet.
MAX JOSEPH - What a dick.
NEV SCHULMAN - Now that we've gotten a little R and R by forcing the nice gentlemen at the car museum to let us sit in everything, let's conduct some research.
MAX JOSEPH - Your bum foot has really brought out the workhorse in you.
NEV SCHULMAN - If you can't use your feet, use your hands.
MAX JOSEPH - **raises eyebrow**
NEV SCHULMAN- Not in that way, Max. **whispers** But totally in that way. **performs Google image search, finds porn sites**
MAX JOSEPH - Knock me over with a feather. I am so completely shocked that a woman with drawn-on brows is also featured on a porn site.
NEV SCHULMAN - I'm not.
MAX JOSEPH - I was being sarcastic.
NEV SCHULMAN - Her Facebook shows that she has 60 friends from Marengo High School.
MAX JOSEPH - And they're all men. Go figure.
NEV SCHULMAN - Let's call this Kevin guy. He seems like an honest Midwestern fella. **dials** Hi, Kevin. Is Jess real?
KEVIN - Marengo's a small town. I'd know of anybody of indeterminate race, because there are none.
NEV SCHULMAN - Ok, thanks for the info.
MAX JOSEPH - Which we could have found in the demographics summary on Wikipedia.
NEV SCHULMAN - Shhh.
NEV SCHULMAN - Artis, Jess has agreed to meet us at this park.
ARTIS - Good. I'd be embarrassed with you walking up to her door with those crutches. Scrub.
JUSTIN - **exists his car, slow claps** Well, well, well. We finally meet.
ARTIS - Who the fuck are you?!?
JUSTIN - I'm the Joey Greco of the Great Lakes region.
MAX JOSEPH - Does that give us full license to stab you in the stomach?
JUSTIN - Um, no. I'm here to avenge anybody who's ever been cheated on. Like my girlfriend.
NEV SCHULMAN - You have a girlfriend?
JUSTIN - Yes. RUDE.
ARTIS - I'm gonna go sit in the car and hope I suffocate to death.
JUSTIN - You do that, cheater!
NEV SCHULMAN - Maybe we should meet at your house tomorrow, when cooler heads prevail.
JUSTIN - Will there be cameras there?
NEV SCHULMAN - Yes.
JUSTIN - Sounds good.
At Justin's house...
NEV SCHULMAN - Is that your dog?
JUSTIN - No.
NEV SCHULMAN - Whose dog is it?
JUSTIN - Does it matter? Come inside.
NEV SCHULMAN - This Formica is really lovely.
JUSTIN - Thanks. It was lovelier before I found my dead dad's body on it. And before I became homeless.
MAX JOSEPH - So that's your sob story, huh?
JUSTIN - **puts feet on the table** Yup. What do you think?
MAX JOSEPH - I've heard better.
JUSTIN - Well, soooorrr-reeee. **opens a Corona**
MAX JOSEPH - You know, even Joey Greco waits until the significant other has a suspicion before unleashing the decoy.
JUSTIN - Yeah, well, Joey Greco is a pussy.
NEV SCHULMAN - I think we're gonna go.
JUSTIN - Wait no! Don't leave! I'll do anything, I'll light farts on fire, I'll take off my Baja, I'll... TWERK!!!!!
NEV SCHULMAN - Bye, Justin.
JUSTIN - NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Need. Camera. On me.
Nevax skype with Artis...
NEV SCHULMAN - Artis, you have the face of a man who's finally had sex after a year.
ARTIS - Yep! Just wish it hadn't been with a real doll. I'm still stuck in the guest room.
MAX JOSEPH - Tough break.
NEV SCHULMAN - So what have you learned after all of this?
ARTIS - Don't trust drawn-on eyebrows. No matter what.
MAX JOSEPH - Smart man.
OMG, this is hilarious! I can't stop laughing! So glad my boss is out of town today...
ReplyDeleteThanks, Stacey!
DeleteJohn 3:16
DeleteLoved this! Lol good job!!:D
ReplyDelete