Monday, August 26, 2013

Catfish: The TV Show Recap, Episode 9 - "Artis & Jess"


Nev and Max skype with Artis...

ARTIS - I'm Artis. My parents were both failed watercolor painters, so they left out the "T".

NEV SCHULMAN - That's actually a super sad story.

ARTIS -  I live in Woodstock, Illinois.

MAX JOSEPH - Now THAT is a super sad story.

ARTIS - Groundhog Day was filmed here. So fuck you.

MAX JOSEPH  - Hey - are those children fighting with sticks in the background?

NEV SCHULMAN - He's clearly a single dad. Give him a break.

ARTIS - Yes, those are children fighting with sticks, and no, I am not a single dad.

NEV SCHULMAN - So you contacted us even though you're in a relationship? Max and I want NO part of this sick charade.

ARTIS - We haven't had sex in over a year.

MAX JOSEPH  - We'll track down Jess as soon as humanly possible.

At the Around The Clock Diner...

ARTIS - Thanks for meeting me here. This is where I come to think on all those nights I'm not having sex.

MAX JOSEPH  - On that note, Server, I'll have the foot-long Frankfurter.

ARTIS - Here's a photo of Jess. She's lives in Marengo.

MAX JOSEPH   - Holy smokes. Let's Maren-Go find her right now!

ARTIS - Not so fast. She has a very controlling boyfriend.

NEV SCHULMAN - Controlling how?

ARTIS -  He gets mad when she tries to have sex with men she meets on the  internet.

MAX JOSEPH  - What a dick.

At the Hampton Inn Woodstock...

NEV SCHULMAN - Now that we've gotten a little R and R by forcing the nice gentlemen at the car museum to let us sit in everything, let's conduct some research.

MAX JOSEPH  - Your bum foot has really brought out the workhorse in you.

NEV SCHULMAN - If you can't use your feet, use your hands.

MAX JOSEPH   - **raises eyebrow**

NEV SCHULMAN- Not in that way, Max. **whispers** But totally in that way. **performs Google image search, finds porn sites**

MAX JOSEPH - Knock me over with a feather. I am so completely shocked that a woman with drawn-on brows is also featured on a porn site.  


MAX JOSEPH - I was being sarcastic.

NEV SCHULMAN - Her Facebook shows that she has 60 friends from Marengo High School.

MAX JOSEPH - And they're all men. Go figure.

NEV SCHULMAN -  Let's call this Kevin guy. He seems like an honest Midwestern fella. **dials** Hi, Kevin. Is Jess real?

KEVIN - Marengo's a small town. I'd know of anybody of indeterminate race, because there are none.

NEV SCHULMAN - Ok, thanks for the info.

MAX JOSEPH  - Which we could have found in the demographics summary on Wikipedia.


Artis prepares to meet Jess...

NEV SCHULMAN - Artis, Jess has agreed to meet us at this park.

ARTIS - Good. I'd be embarrassed with you walking up to her door with those crutches. Scrub.

JUSTIN - **exists his car, slow claps** Well, well, well. We finally meet.

ARTIS - Who the fuck are you?!?

JUSTIN  - I'm the Joey Greco of the Great Lakes region.

MAX JOSEPH - Does that give us full license to stab you in the stomach?

JUSTIN  - Um, no. I'm here to avenge anybody who's ever been cheated on. Like my girlfriend.

NEV SCHULMAN - You have a girlfriend?


ARTIS -  I'm gonna go sit in the car and hope I suffocate to death.

JUSTIN  - You do that, cheater!

NEV SCHULMAN - Maybe we should meet at your house tomorrow, when cooler heads prevail.

JUSTIN  - Will there be cameras there?


JUSTIN  - Sounds good.

At Justin's house...

NEV SCHULMAN - Is that your dog?


NEV SCHULMAN - Whose dog is it?

JUSTIN  - Does it matter? Come inside.

NEV SCHULMAN - This Formica is really lovely.

JUSTIN  - Thanks. It was lovelier before I found my dead dad's body on it. And before I became homeless.

MAX JOSEPH - So that's your sob story, huh?

JUSTIN  - **puts feet on the table** Yup. What do you think?

MAX JOSEPH - I've heard better.

JUSTIN  - Well, soooorrr-reeee. **opens a Corona**

MAX JOSEPH - You know, even Joey Greco waits until the significant other has a suspicion before unleashing the decoy.

JUSTIN  - Yeah, well, Joey Greco is a pussy.

NEV SCHULMAN -  I think we're gonna go.

JUSTIN  - Wait no! Don't leave! I'll do anything, I'll light farts on fire, I'll take off my Baja, I'll... TWERK!!!!!

NEV SCHULMAN - Bye, Justin.

JUSTIN  - NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Need. Camera. On me.

Nevax skype with Artis...

NEV SCHULMAN - Artis, you have the face of a man who's finally had sex after a year.

ARTIS -  Yep! Just wish it hadn't been with a real doll. I'm still stuck in the guest room.

MAX JOSEPH - Tough break.

NEV SCHULMAN - So what have you learned after all of this?

ARTIS - Don't trust drawn-on eyebrows. No matter what.

MAX JOSEPH - Smart man.


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