Monday, June 17, 2013

The Bachelorette Recap, Desiree Hartsock - Episode 3

Brad has almost as much charisma as a dirty gym sock.

At Revel Atlantic City...

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Brad, welcome to the boardwalk in beautiful Atlantic City, New Jersey.

BRAD - Thank you. **points** Is that a syringe in the sand?

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Shhh. **they go on some rides and eat in a lighthouse in silence**

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Well, Brad, I had a great day stealing the jobs of minimum-wage slaves at the chocolate factory with you.

BRAD - Me too.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - But you named your son Maddox and clearly fancy yourself a parent on par with the Jolie-Pitts. It's a real turn off.

BRAD - Aw nuts.

DESIREE HARTSOCK - Bye. **pushes him off lighthouse**

The men prepare for the Mr. America Pageant...

GAY PAGEANT DIRECTOR - Gentleman, today you will be teetering in high heels, modeling bathing suits, and quoting Shakespeare. In other words, a Tuesday morning in my world.

MIKEY - Excuse me, Mr. Gay Pageant Director? I have a question.

GAY PAGEANT DIRECTOR - Yes, you will be given razors to shave the high-end of your ass crack.

BEN - Damn, he's good.

At the Mr. America Pageant...

CHRIS HARRISON - Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the municipal equivalent of hell.

MAYOR OF ATLANTIC CITY - Hey, I resent that.

CHRIS HARRISON - Sorry. The municipal equivalent of limbo. We're going to kick  off this pageant with a question and answer segment.

MISS AMERICA 2013 - Brooks, are you a top or a bottom?

BROOKS - Bottom.

MISS AMERICA 2013 - Gotcha!

BROOKS - FUCK! I meant, I love vadge I love vadge I love vadge. **smashes ukulele**

CHRIS HARRISON - That went well. Next, let's move on to the talent portion.

BRYDEN - Dear Mayor of Atlantic City: This thrust's for you. **pushes speedo-clad wiener in the mayor's direction.**

CHRIS HARRISON - OK! **yanks Bryden off the stage** Thank you, Bryden. Finally, the swimsuit competition!

MIKEY - I object to this segment of the competition. I'm more than just a piece of meat and a tribal tattoo! **takes off his shirt to show that he is just a piece of meat and a tribal tattoo**

CHRIS HARRISON - Way to take a stand. Kasey, you win because you obviously made use of the razor you were all offered.

KASEY - Hey, man. I'm nothing if not resourceful. **tap dances**

Des and James go on a date...

DES - I've got something amazing planned for us today.

JAMES - A limo ride to a fancy dinner in Atlantic City?

DES - Well, that WAS the plan, but ABC is making us give it to some old people who were in a hurricane.

JAMES - Oh. Bummer.

DES - Instead, we're going to take a helicopter ride over the devastation of Hurricane Sandy and then go to the old people's house.

JAMES - Do we have to, like, talk to the old people?

DES - Yeah.

JAMES - Some date.

DES - But the good news is that we don't actually have to help with the devastation. We just have to look at it.

JAMES - Fine, I guess. But first, I think you should know that I cheated on my college girlfriend.

DES - If you can stomach listening to Hootie sing while Manny and Jan fuck, I will forgive you your sins.

JAMES - You are a merciless woman.

At the rose ceremony...

DES - Everybody gets to stay except for Zack K.

BRYDEN - Shit balls. Even me?

DES - Even you.

ZACK K - Des, thank you for this opportunity to be on television for a total of 30 seconds.

DES - Wait - what's your name again?

ZACK K - It doesn't matter.


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