 |
| Brad has almost as much charisma as a dirty gym sock. |
At Revel Atlantic City...
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Brad, welcome to the boardwalk in beautiful Atlantic City, New Jersey.
BRAD - Thank you. **points** Is that a syringe in the sand?
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Shhh. **they go on some rides and eat in a lighthouse in silence**
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Well, Brad, I had a great day stealing the jobs of minimum-wage slaves at the chocolate factory with you.
BRAD - Me too.
DESIREE HARTSOCK - But you named your son Maddox and clearly fancy yourself a parent on par with the Jolie-Pitts. It's a real turn off.
BRAD - Aw nuts.
DESIREE HARTSOCK - Bye. **pushes him off lighthouse**
The men prepare for the Mr. America Pageant...
GAY PAGEANT DIRECTOR - Gentleman, today you will be teetering in high heels, modeling bathing suits, and quoting Shakespeare. In other words, a Tuesday morning in my world.
MIKEY - Excuse me, Mr. Gay Pageant Director? I have a question.
GAY PAGEANT DIRECTOR - Yes, you will be given razors to shave the high-end of your ass crack.
BEN - Damn, he's good.
At the Mr. America Pageant...
CHRIS HARRISON - Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the municipal equivalent of hell.
MAYOR OF ATLANTIC CITY - Hey, I resent that.
CHRIS HARRISON - Sorry. The municipal equivalent of limbo. We're going to kick off this pageant with a question and answer segment.
MISS AMERICA 2013 - Brooks, are you a top or a bottom?
BROOKS - Bottom.
MISS AMERICA 2013 - Gotcha!
BROOKS - FUCK! I meant, I love vadge I love vadge I love vadge. **smashes ukulele**
CHRIS HARRISON - That went well. Next, let's move on to the talent portion.
BRYDEN - Dear Mayor of Atlantic City: This thrust's for you. **pushes speedo-clad wiener in the mayor's direction.**
CHRIS HARRISON - OK! **yanks Bryden off the stage** Thank you, Bryden. Finally, the swimsuit competition!
MIKEY - I object to this segment of the competition. I'm more than just a piece of meat and a tribal tattoo! **takes off his shirt to show that he is just a piece of meat and a tribal tattoo**
CHRIS HARRISON - Way to take a stand. Kasey, you win because you obviously made use of the razor you were all offered.
KASEY - Hey, man. I'm nothing if not resourceful. **tap dances**
Des and James go on a date...
DES - I've got something amazing planned for us today.
JAMES - A limo ride to a fancy dinner in Atlantic City?
DES - Well, that WAS the plan, but ABC is making us give it to some old people who were in a hurricane.
JAMES - Oh. Bummer.
DES - Instead, we're going to take a helicopter ride over the devastation of Hurricane Sandy and then go to the old people's house.
JAMES - Do we have to, like, talk to the old people?
DES - Yeah.
JAMES - Some date.
DES - But the good news is that we don't actually have to help with the devastation. We just have to look at it.
JAMES - Fine, I guess. But first, I think you should know that I cheated on my college girlfriend.
DES - If you can stomach listening to Hootie sing while Manny and Jan fuck, I will forgive you your sins.
JAMES - You are a merciless woman.
At the rose ceremony...
DES - Everybody gets to stay except for Zack K.
BRYDEN - Shit balls. Even me?
DES - Even you.
ZACK K - Des, thank you for this opportunity to be on television for a total of 30 seconds.
DES - Wait - what's your name again?
ZACK K - It doesn't matter.
THE END.
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