 |
| What kind of "documentary" doesn't let its subjects do drugs? Good thing this season is in St. Thomas, where sharks to jump are plentiful. |
At the house...
PRODUCER - Hey, kids. Gather 'round and urinate in a cup. All together, now.
BRANDON - **nervous** Um, why would you want us to do that?
PRODUCER - Jonathan Murray's got a weird fetish. Plus, we want to make sure you're not doing drugs.
BRANDON - Since when does that matter?
PRODUCER - Since this season got boring and we needed a fake new rule to make some dramz.
TREY - Do we really all have to pee in front of each other?
PRODUCER - When did you become so shy, guy who is shirtless most of the time? Now, c'mon and get to pissin'.
**they do**
Brandon meets with the producer one-on-one...
PRODUCER - We found cocaine in your system.
BRANDON - That's absurd.
PRODUCER - We also have footage of you snorting cocaine with that homeless girl you met in front of CVS.
BRANDON - Ok, you got me. I never was very good at lying. Or sports. Or school. Or talking to women. Or dressing myself.
PRODUCER - Well, this "random drug testing" experiment when we really knew exactly who was doing drugs was fun. Pack up your things - you're leaving a day before the season ends.
BRANDON - Way harsh.
PRODUCER - The good news is that your dad agreed to drive you home from the airport.
Chelsea arrives in St. Thomas...
CHELSEA - Remember when I was pregnant, but now I'm not?
TREY - Obama 2012.
CHELSEA - You got that right. **breathes in the fresh carnival smells** Ahhhh... this place makes me want to drink one can of Miller Lite very slowly.
TREY - Oh, so you can indulge in pure hedonism, but when I fuck Laura while you and I are still officially a couple, I'm the bad guy, huh?
CHELSEA - That's a totally different situation.
TREY - I fly you out here, and you have the gall to disagree with me on something? That's some fucked-up shit, trick.
CHELSEA - You're right I'm sorry please don't hurt me master.
TREY - That's better. Now let's go back to the house so I can force you to talk to the girl I was having sex with up until last night, thus humiliating you both.
CHELSEA - Sounds good.
Latoya and Marie go hiking...
LATOYA - It's interesting that we've been selected as the comic relief for the show, even though neither of us are very funny.
MARIE - Speak for yourself. **burps loudly**
LATOYA - Ha! Burping. Good one.
The cast says goodbye to Brandon...
ROBB - If there was anyone who could get me to stop abusing myself, it was you. Because if even you can be happy being yourself, why can't I?
BRANDON - Thank you. I think.
MARIE - And even though you are a liar, and your brother is a liar, I'll still think of you fondly every time I pass gas.
LAURA - Brandon, since Trey is currently busy with his girlfriend, I've selected you as the person who will now give me male attention. **kisses him**
BRANDON - But I'm leaving.
LAURA - Shit, you're right. **turns to Swift** Hey, there, Swifty.
SWIFT - Don't fucking touch me.
LAURA - Sorry.
The End.
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