Thursday, July 19, 2012

The Real World St. Thomas, Episode 4 - "To Pee Or Not To Pee"

Who needs feet when you look this good?

Marie and Latoya walk on the beach...

MARIE - I've got the best idea for a prank on the boys.

LATOYA - Brandon's already had enough pranks played on him by God, don't you think?

MARIE - That's true. But the dress vests were his choice. So, we'll rub this diseased fish all over their wieners, and then their wieners will get the disease that the fish has!

LATOYA- But isn't that kind of cruel?

MARIE - Latoya, they put sealed jars of peanut butter in my bed. They treated my resting place like a damned Costco shelf!

LATOYA - Well, when you put it that way, a fish-wiener disease only sounds fair.

Swift and Robb wake up in their twin beds...

ROBB - **sniff sniff** I think my dick smells.

SWIFT - That's news to nobody but you.

ROBB - No.... It smells like this decomposed trout that I saw on the shore of Lake Erie once. I think it had shingles.

SWIFT - Those are called "scales".**sniff sniff** Actually, my dick kinda smells, too. **they both look under the covers**

ROBB - Uh.... Mine fell off.

SWIFT - So did mine!

ROBB & SWIFT -  MARIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MARIE -  You rang?

SWIFT- Did you do this?

MARIE - It was Laura.

ROBB & SWIFT - LAURA!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Laura does not hear them, because she is nude-nuzzling a lizard in a hammock** 

At the hospital...

DOCTOR -  Don't be sad. There's a new movement for eunuchs demanding to be treated like regular people. 

SWIFT - That's not even why I'm here. My foot looks like it's gonna die.

LATOYA - **groans** You're being dramatic. It's just tentacles from a living sea creature lodged deep into your body. 

SWIFT - Doc, is there a dating market for footless eunuchs out there? 

DOCTOR - Sure. I'm available. 

SWIFT - Have I consumed an entire bottle of rum, or did you just come on to me? 

DOCTOR - There's no Hippocratic oath in the Caribbean. **winks**

Latoya calls her mother after she and Swift have a quarrel... 

LATOYA'S MOM - What's wrong? Don't tell me you pushed a roommate into the ocean with an oar and he stepped on a sea urchin and had to go to the hospital...

LATOYA - That's actually exactly that happened.

LATOYA'S MOM - A mother knows. Well, I hope you gave this guy a piece of your mind. What was he doing standing near the ocean, anyway?

LATOYA - I know, right?!? 

LATOYA'S MOM - He's a fool, and deserves to be footless. But, you, my darling, are never, ever wrong.

LATOYA - Thank you.

LATOYA'S MOM - I named you LaToya Jackson for a reason. I knew you'd have all the intelligence and talent of you namesake.

LATOYA - You're right, mom.


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