Monday, April 23, 2012

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 1 - "High Tide, Low Blow"

Juicy Joe smells a rat.

At a Lebanese Jeff Goldblum family BBQ...

MELISSA GORGA - Listen to what Teresa said about us in her book. "My sister-in-law wants to copy everything I do so bad, she forced her husband to present false identification at the DMV so he'd go to federal prison."

KATHY WAKILE - And check this out. "Caroline Manzo is about as Italian as the Olive Garden. A recipe for their delicious Zuppa Toscana is on page 13."

RICH WAKILE - Oh, hear THIS burn. "My cousin's husband wants to have sex with me. I was a big fan of The Fly, so I'll do it."

KATHY WAKILE  - So... Is it just me, or is Teresa so stupid that every insult ends up being not really an insult at all?

JOE GORGA - Hey! That's my sister you're talking about! ... And she really is so stupid. Salud! **they all toast**

ROSIE PIERRI, KATHY'S SISTER  - Oh, this one is rich! Listen. "My cousin Rosie makes Ellen DeGeneres look like a really feminine straight person." Haha, it's like she's saying I'm a lesbian or something!


ROSIE PIERRI - Nuts, right?


The Giudices drive to the Jersey Shore...

TERESA GUIDICE  -  Who were you with last night?

JOE GIUDICE -  Just some business ladies.

GIA GIUDICE -  Ladies can't be involved in business! You were fucking them!

JOE GIUDICE - Damn it, my sexist parenting is backfiring.

TERESA GUIDICE - Gia, I'm sure daddy was not "fucking" the business ladies. Right? Right, Joe?

JOE GIUDICE - Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Hey, do you think we can meet up with Sammi Sweetheart at some point on this trip?


JOE GIUDICE - Eh, was worth a shot.

At La Casa de Laurita...

CHRIS LAURITA - Ash, you gotta go. Your aunt and uncle are willing to take you in, even though you're 23 and only heroin addicts get "taken in" by relatives at that age.

ASHLEY HOLMES LAURITA - What?! But I have a lip appointment on Tuesday!

CHRIS LAURITA -  There are plenty of places for lip injections in Vegas. Don't forget your mother lived there for 19 years.

JACQUELINE LAURITA - **from the living room** I heard that!

ASHLEY HOLMES LAURITA - It was the life coach that set this up, wasn't it?! That dirty hippie, he should coach himself into taking a shower!

CHRIS LAURITA - Yes, it was. You expect us to figure out what to do with our own children ourselves? We're upper middle class, ok?

ASHLEY HOLMES LAURITA - Fine. I'll go. But if I'm headlining at the Spearmint Rhino in two weeks, you have no one to blame but yourself.

CHRIS LAURITA - I'm not really worried about you headlining at the Spearmint Rhino.


CHRIS LAURITA - Sorry. I calls em like I sees em.

No comments:

Post a Comment

web statistics
Wall Street Journal