 |
| Kacie B's mom has the face of a young Cloris Leachman, but the values of an old Wilford Brimley. |
In Clarksville, Tennessee...
BEN FLAJNIK - So this ol' mud hole outside the one-room school house is named after your grandpappy?
KACIE BOGUSKIE - That's right! He was a great man. Worked at Sports Authority his whole life.
BEN FLAJNIK - Well, if there's one thing I'm ready for, it's to get piss-ass drunk wit yo' dad.
KACIE BOGUSKIE - Um... He doesn't drink.
KACIE'S DAD - **pops out of nowhere** Correct, darlin'. I also don't approve of taking risks. Especially ones involving leaving the house.
KACIE'S MOM - As for me, I don't approve of cohabitation.
BEN FLAJNIK - This day in age? Really?
KACIE'S MOM - Really. Even though I have the face of a young Cloris Leachman, I have the values of an old Wilford Brimley.
KACIE'S DAD - We have other rules, too.
BEN FLAJNIK - Like, um, what?
KACIE'S DAD - Weeeeeellll.... **breaks into song** No hand-holdin', no Jeep-drivin', no booty-dancin', and no book-learnin'!
KACIE'S MOM - **song becomes a large musical number with local drumline from the mud hole** No ear-whisperin', no liberal-thinkin', and no fun-havin'!
KACIE'S DAD & MOM - **singing together** We're so Southern and traditional that American Idol is not allowed to be viewed in our hooooooome!
BEN FLAJNIK - I gotta go... Just remembered I forgot to use hair product this morning**quietly slinks away, hops aboard the last train from Clarksville**
In Ocala, Florida...
LINDZI COX - I was riding horses before I was even born.
BEN FLAJNIK - That's... unusual.
LINDZI COX - Yep. Also wear dirt for makeup, cuz I'm a down-home kinda girl.
BEN FLAJNIK - You like exaggerating huh?
LINDZI COX - Exaggerating? No way.
**A fetus rides by on a horse, sprays Lindzi's face with dirt**
BEN FLAJNIK - Ocala is... An interesting place.
LINDZI COX - We can swing by Jet Travolta's grave later, if you want.
BEN FLAJNIK - No thank you.
LINDZI'S DAD - **rides up on Devon The Horse** Well, if it isn't Ben Flajnik, wine-maker extraordinaire!
LINDZI'S MOM - And the man we will encourage our daughter to marry after a mere three weeks!
LINDZI'S DAD - Here, touch our dogs!
LINDZI'S MOM - And drink some mason-jar swill!
LINDZI'S DAD - Last one to chug is a rotten egg!
BEN FLAJNIK - Wow! You all are so welcoming! What lovely people!
LINDZI'S DAD - Any sex partner of Lindzi's is a sex partner of ours!
BEN FLAJNIK - Aw, thanks! Wait, what?
**The Coxes all take off their clothes in front of the fire**
LINDZI'S MOM - Get ready for the best night of your life.
BEN FLAJNIK - I, uh, think I hear my mom calling... gotta go! **slinks away**
In Hurst, Texas...
BEN FLAJNIK - **to Nicki's parents** So let me get this straight. You two are divorced, but civil?
NICKI'S DAD - Is that so hard to understand?
BEN FLAJNIK - Well, I always pictured divorces with slashed Scion tires and accusations of Craigslist solicitation.
NICKI'S MOM - Oh, we did all of that. But we've matured. Well - I've matured.
NICKI'S DAD - What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
NICKI'S MOM - That you're still a baby-waby running to your mama's titty whenever you don't get your way.
NICKI'S DAD - Oh yeah? At least I don't have group sex at the vacant NTB store - and not invite my spouse!
NICKI'S MOM - You were working that night! They can't postpone it for one person!
NICKI'S DAD - You should have waited.
NICKI'S MOM - Oh, you know plenty about waiting. I sure miss bleaching your underwear after you managed to not make it to the toilet on time.
NICKI'S DAD - Maybe I wouldn't have to go so often if you didn't use so much lard in your cooking!
NICKI'S MOM - Well, maybe lard is the only thing that kept me from killing myself after being married to a kitten photographer for five years!
NICKI'S DAD - IT WAS JUST A HOBBY!
NICKI STERLING - Whoa. I never knew that part about the kitten photography.
BEN FLAJNIK - But you knew the other stuff?
NICKI STERLING - Sure. That's what marriage is about. Betrayal, disappointment, and ultimate dissolution.
BEN FLAJNIK - I gotta go... My, uh, leg hurts. **quietly slinks away**
In Scottsdale, Arizona...
COURTNEY'S DAD - So, you've gotten to know our little Courtney.
BEN FLAJNIK - Sure have. **pats Courtney's knee**
COURTNEY'S MOM - And you still kept her around?
BEN FLAJNIK - Haha! **looks around, but nobody is laughing**
COURTNEY'S DAD - Court, honey, fetch me a Michelob from the garage, won't you?
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Get your own fucking Michelob. I'm a model, not a gopher.
COURTNEY'S DAD - Just give us a damn second with Ben!
COURTNEY ROBERTSON - Fine. If anybody needs me, I'll be planning a realistic but fake wedding by the Interstate. **leaves**
COURTNEY'S DAD- Ben, run.
BEN FLAJNIK - What?
COURTNEY'S MOM - Run for your life. She is the devil. I created the devil.
COURTNEY'S SISTER - Why do you think nobody's heard from Jesse Metcalfe in three years?
BEN FLAJNIK - Oh god.
COURTNEY'S MOM - Get a head start. Here's an apple for the road.
COURTNEY'S DAD - Go, son. Pussy ain't worth it.
BEN FLAJNIK - **starts jogging, breaks into a sprint**
THE END.
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