Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Teen Mom 2, Episode 3 - "Intensive Care"

How many times can Leah say "MRI of her brain" in one episode?

At Kailyn and Isaac's new apartment...

KAILYN  - **calls her mom** Hi mom. I moved.

KAILYN'S MOM - It's about time.

KAILYN - What? I thought you'd be upset.

KAILYN'S MOM -  I am upset. That it took this long. Now Burt and I can go back to using the bonus room as a sex dungeon.

KAILYN - Dungeon? It's on the second floor.  

KAILYN'S MOM - Shut it, smart ass.

BURT, KAILYN'S MOM'S BF - **from the background** Slave, it's time for my bath!

KAILYN - Ew, was that Burt?

KAILYN'S MOM - No. Around 6 pm I start referring to him as "Ass Master."

KAILYN  - Well, if you ever want to reach me, I'm living in the pueblo-style duplexes by the tracks.

KAILYN'S MOM - Eh, I can't forsee a situation where I'd want to reach you.

KAILYN -  I have the TV.

KAILYN'S MOM - I'll be there in five minutes. Ass Master's bath will have to wait.

At a "coffee shop"...

JENELLE - Mom, I want to come home.

BARBARA - I can't let that happen until you've hit rock bottom.

JENELLE - I'm single, battered, unemployed, and homeless.

BARBARA  -  Hey, man, living in your car is not "homeless", especially in North Carolina. Call me when Kieffer steals it.

JENELLE - Kieffer can't steal it, because... **starts to cry** Kieffer and me broke up.

BARBARA - "Kieffer and I."

JENELLE - Really?

BARBARA - Yep. Remember, I used to work on the assembly line at Rand McNally.

JENELLE - Well, Kieffer and I broke up. He pushed me.

BARBARA - Jenelle, don't ever let anyone lay a hand on you. Unless it's me, after you've really pissed me off.

JENELLE - I'm pressing charges.

BARBARA  - But I said I was sorry!

JENELLE -  Not you. Against Kieffer.

BARBARA - Oh. Ok. Well, I guess you can move back in.

JENELLE - Sweet! I'm gonna sleep 'til noon, eat all the lunch meat in the fridge, and smoke pot on the swing set!

BARBARA - What the -

JENELLE - Kidding! I'm kidding! **crosses her fingers behind her back** This time, things will be different.

At another "coffee shop"...

LEAH - The MRI of her brain is tomorrow.  

LEAH'S FRIEND - Do you realize how many times you've said "MRI of her brain" in the past two weeks?

LEAH  - I don't know what else to call it. 

LEAH'S FRIEND - Don't call it anything. Frankly, I'm tired of hearing about Ali and her "health problems." Being slow is not really unusual or a problem up here in the Appalachians.

LEAH - Sorry, I just thought as a friend I could talk to you...

LEAH'S FRIEND - Other people have issues in their lives, too. Did you even know that Zach MacArthur asked me to spring formal?

LEAH - No, I didn't.

LEAH'S FRIEND - Yeah, he did. And so did Tim Clausen. You want problems? Try having two dudes ask you to spring formal.

LEAH - Oh no! Aleeyah spilled her drink!

LEAH'S FRIEND - And then Courtney Bauer was like, "Why does she get all the dudes, when she shops at Maurice's?" I mean, sorry, their clothes are stylish and affordable.

LEAH - **cleaning up mess** Uh huh. Uh huh. 

LEAH'S FRIEND - And then Mr. Stadish caught me texting in class, but I had to tell somebody about how she - Are you even listening? 

LEAH - I'm sorry, I'm just so stressed with all this MRI of her br - I mean, doctor stuff. 

LEAH'S FRIEND - Fuck this. You think the world revolves around you and your slow baby. Well, it doesn't. 

LEAH - Well, for me, it kind of does... 

LEAH'S FRIEND - Whatevs. Call me when you're ready to be a friend. **leaves** 

LEAH - Ugh. Teenagers.

At the hospital...

CHELSEA - So, you think you can handle taking care of Aubree while I recover?

ADAM - Piece of cake. **throws Aubree on her on her head, seriously injuring her** Aw. Look how docile she's being for daddy.  

CHELSEA  - I think she's unconscious!

ADAM  - Good thing we're in the hospital, huh?

NURSE - Time to go under, Chelsea!


CHELSEA - **comes to** Where's Daddy?

AUBREE - **wearing a dirty diaper on her head** He peaced. Some chick named Marly texted him and said she was wearing a tube top. 

CHELSEA - How did you learn to talk?  

AUBREE - When Daddy threw me on my head. Too bad it didn't go this well for Sean Preston.  

CHELSEA - Oh. Is he coming back?  

AUBREE - No. He's a real dick, you know that?  

CHELSEA - That's what everyone keeps telling me. But I have hope.  

AUBREE - You should stop having hope.  

CHELSEA - What do you know? You're, like, one.  

AUBREE - Well, how do you plan on getting us home?

CHELSEA - Grandpa.

AUBREE - Uh huh. It's always Grandpa.

CHELSEA - I really preferred you when you didn't know how to speak.  

AUBREE - Sorry.


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