Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I Used To Be Fat Episode 2 - "Terra"

Trainer Jimi helps Terra's confidence by pretending she is a horse. photo -

Trainer Jimi enters the Wilson household to find the mother and children eating chips in bed...

WILSON FAMILY - **eatin' chips in bed** Nom nom nom nom nom.

TRAINER JIMI VARNER - Hey, Wilson Family! I'm Terra's trainer!

WILSON FAMILY - Nom nom nom nom.

JIMI VARNER -  Huh? No comprende.

WILSON FAMILY  - Nom nom! Nom.

WILSON FAMILY - Oh, you must be speaking the American Upper Great Lakes Fat Person Dialect. Read about it in The Atlantic.

TERRA'S MOM - Nom nom.

JIMI VARNER  - Oh yeah? Half off at Costco? I'll have to check that out.


JIMI VARNER - Haha! Good one. Well, as much as I hate to break up this obese version of the Waltons at bedtime, Terra's got a lot of work to do.

TERRA'S DAD - **enters in a tank top** Hi. I'm Terra's dad.

JIMI VARNER - **giggles** Oh, um, hello there. Would you like to join our workout?

TERRA'S DAD  - Nah. I'm good.

JIMI VARNER  - Silly me, obviously you already work out.

TERRA'S DAD - Once a week for thirty minutes.

JIMI VARNER - **points to Terra's dad's bicep** May I?

TERRA'S DAD - Um, I guess so.

JIMI VARNER - **squeezes** Oh. Wow. Wow wow wow wow. Zomg.

TERRA - Can we go now?

JIMI VARNER - Ok, ok. Jesus, so needy. So, um, see you around, Mr. Wilson?

TERRA'S DAD - You bet your sweet ass.

JIMI VARNER - What?! You think my ass is sweet?

TERRA'S DAD - It's just a saying. Because, you know, you'll be around a lot helping my daughter get healthy.

JIMI VARNER - Oh. Right. Bummer. Well, Terra, let's discuss how you're going to lose weight in the depressing Rust Belt ex-metropolis of Flint.

TERRA - Isn't weight loss the same anywhere?

JIMI VARNER - Well, all you guys have to eat here is skinned rabbits, right?

TERRA - Roger & Me was filmed 20 years ago.

JIMI VARNER - Too bad. They're pretty low-cal.  Hey, maybe we could put an obstacle course in one of Flint's many vacant auto factories!

TERRA - Believe it or not, there are real live fitness facilities in this town.

JIMI VARNER - Well, I'm sure it'll be crowded because everyone in Flint is unemployed.

TERRA - Ok, can you cut it out with the Flint generalizations?

JIMI VARNER - Sorry, sorry.

TERRA - We're a legit city. We have an Applebee's.

JIMI VARNER  - You're right.

TERRA  - Well, it's actually in Burton, but close enough.

Awesome Weight Loss Montage Timed to Awesome Rock n' Roll Music. Terra loses weight, they have a house party to celebrate...

JIMI VARNER - Lookin' good, Brown Cow!

TERRA - Fuck you.

TERRA'S DAD  - *enters the kitchen** Who wants TURKEY BURGERS?!

JIMI VARNER - I do! Can you spend an extra five minutes hand-forming mine?

TERRA'S DAD  - Uh, I guess.

JIMI VARNER - Just make sure your DNA gets deep in there.

TERRA'S DAD - **hand forms patty** Like this?

JIMI VARNER - **shivers** Yeah. Like that.

TERRA'S MOM - Well, Terra, you're skinny-ish now.

TERRA - Yep. I can sort of do the moves at my cheerleading-inspired dance class. **attempts a spread eagle jump**

TERRA'S MOM - Not in the kitchen, honey. Well, I gotta say. I'm pretty proud. In addition to being insanely envious and wanting to skin you and wear you like last season's spring Mossimo line for Target.

TERRA - Aw, thank you, mom.

TERRA'S MOM - Hey, where'd your dad go?

TERRA - Dunno. Where's Jimi?

**Jimi and Terra's dad come out of the laundry room looking disheveled**

TERRA'S DAD - You know what I've always taught you girls. Try everything once.

TERRA - You've never taught us that. Ever.

TERRA'S DAD - Oh. Well, I'm saying it now.

JIMI VARNER  - Just once?

TERRA'S DAD - Yeah, sorry. Not really doing it for me.

Terra goes to college, gets highlights, and goes bowling with her parents. Life is good.


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