Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I Used To Be Fat Episode 1 - "Josh"

Josh used to be fat, but now he is skinny with mounds of excess flesh. So... success? photo -

DAVID, JOSH'S DAD - Hey, family! Let's take a family picture!

JOSH - Great!

DAVID - Not you. Skinny family members ONLY.

JOSH - Oh...

DAVID - But you can hold the camera.

FAMILY - **they all pose** CHEESE!

TATE, JOSH'S BROTHER - Haha, that's funny because we can all eat cheese but the fat guy holding the camera can't.

FAMILY - Hahaha! **They all high-five** 

DAVID - Alright, now that the Skinny Family Portrait is out of the way, let's take a family surfing trip.

JOSH - Cool! I got a new wetsuit that almost zips up all the way.

DAVID - Not you. This outing is only for family members that can stand, not just kneel, on the surfboard.

JOSH'S MOM - But you can hold my purse, Josh.

PORTER, JOSH'S BROTHER - Which will go great with your big-ass titties.

FAMILY - Hahaha! **They all high-five**   

JOSH -  **breaks down in tears**

JOEY GLOOR - Don't cry. I'm your new trainer.

JOSH  - **looks at Joey's ugly tattoos, starts crying even harder**

JOEY GLOOR - Seriously, don't cry. Remember Jordan from last season? I got him laid TWICE.

JOSH - **stops crying** Really?

JOEY GLOOR  - Yep. Two of those times were with dudes, but it doesn't matter. Lemme have a chat with your brothers.

JOSH - Don't bother. They're total dicks.

JOEY GLOOR - Yeah, but I'm gonna wear a black turtleneck. It has a way of breaking people down. . **puts on black turtleneck**

BEATNIK JOEY GLOOR - You pick on your bro? **bangs on a bongo**

TATE - Yeah...


PORTER - Sometimes...


COOPER - Everyday.

JOSH - Wait, I don't know that dude.

COOPER -  I thought this was the house where people with last names for first names were always welcome?

JOEY GLOOR - Get the fuck out of here, bro.

COOPER - Sorry. **leaves**

JOEY GLOOR - You ready for the Workin' Out Montage, Yeshwaya?

JOSH - Is Ashton Kutcher the funniest man in America?

JOEY GLOOR - Noooo....

JOSH - Right. So, no, I am not ready.  

JOEY GLOOR - Too bad. I'm tired of getting turned on by your boobies, so we're doing this shit.

 Workin' Out Montage lasts for 30 minutes, Josh loses a buncha weight...

JOSH - **takes off his shirt** Look at me, dad! I'm 198 pounds!  

DAVID - Lookin' good, Josh! When you get your braces off in seven years, you'll really be a stud.

JOSH'S MOM - I'm kind of ashamed to say I'm attracted to my own son. But just kind of ashamed. 

DAVID - So now you're officially part of the family.

JOSH'S MOM - No more making you walk 20 paces behind the rest of us at the mall. 

DAVID - No more telling the neighbors that our oldest son is dead.  

JOSH - Aw. You guys are the best.  

PORTER - We still think you're ugly and smelly.  

TATE - And so does that girl you took to prom. She just wanted to be on TV. 

JOEY GLOOR - **whispers to Josh** It's ok, bud. You're going away to college, and you'll never have to see your brothers again. 

JOSH - I'm not going away. I'm living at home.  

JOEY GLOOR - Oh. Fuck. Well, uh... good luck with that.


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